Thursday, November 1, 2012

Love, a mythology

Love, a Mythology
Once upon a time,
a long time ago,
a story began
on a land unknown.

Before the light and the dark
began to fight,
before there was the day 
and before there was night,
before there just was
and wasn't a world,
there lived a spark,
who did nothing but twirl.

He had no future,
he had no past.
He simply just was,
and that was that.
But this poor little spark,
all alone in nothing,
began to think 
he was missing something.

But try as he might, 
he just didn't know,
what he was missing 
and which way to go.

The little spark tried and tried as he might,
not even realizing he was creating a light.
This little light grew until suddenly,
the spark, for the first time,
could truly see.

All that was around him 
and near him 
and close,
yet all this was nothing,
but he didn't know. 

His light had created
 the colors we know,
like rainbows around him,
the space seemed to glow.

He liked this a lot,
but it wasn't enough,
cause the spark didn't know,
he was looking for love.

We all need companions,
there's no question of truth,
but what of the spark,
who had nothing
to gain or to lose?

He tried really hard,
to give the light a form,
but try as he might,
it was nothing but warm.

Til suddenly the spark
figured it out,
and knew without question,
 and had no doubt.

He was trying all wrong,
to create a love,
not loving what he had,
and what he was void of.
The little sparked loved
the light like he should,
until a time came the light seemed to grow.

The spark was surprised,
when what should he see,
but another little spark,
glowing bright with glee.

These two little sparks 
embraced without end,
vowing never ever to be lonely again.
The sparks kept getting bigger,
as love grew and grew,
until suddenly
they made something new. 

The world was so perfect,
they really were sure,
so many sparks,
and love so pure.
The sparks turned solid,
and the love grew hotter,
and as the world began filling,
 they gave birth to a daughter.

No not a son,
he didn't come first,
it was a girl
destined to be
the mother of the Earth.

This mother was born 
of pure and true love,
and that's all she wants
from somewhere above. 

She wants us to know,
her parents tale,
of how nothing became something,
and lifted the veil.

In everyone one of us
resides a spark,
waiting in patience til love comes along,
freeing it from its lonely existence,
waiting for color to pay a visit.
So never give up
til your spark is a fire,
and always know love
shines brighter and brighter.

Hey It's been awhile...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I wrote... things have just been crazy to a point where I haven't given it much thought at all. Not on purpose that is... But anyway, I guess I should fill out a little of what has been happening...

Let me see...

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Its been a crazy ride; one that I never thought was possible, if we're being honest. It's not that I don't think he isn't everything I want, or that I don't love him to the ends of the earth; its simply that I doubted I could stay in a relationship without self destructing things. I have that crazy way of making the world blow up in my face. But things have been a lot better.

I have been working really hard, not to fix myself, but to become a better me. I grew to a point where this depression and anxiety was really ruining my life. I couldn't take what it was putting me through, so I took whatever steps I needed to so that I could fix it. I think that it really has made a difference in my life. Garrett and I have been pushed to our limits by this depression and I doubt that we would still be together if I hadn't made the effort to change myself.

I can honestly say that I feel happy more now than I feel depressed. Its a new life style for me. I often find myself restless and awkward because I don't know how to function without that sadness hovering over me. I have more energy than I am used to and a desire to make friends. It's odd if you ask me. But apparently this is the right state of mind, so I'm not questioning it. I sometimes worry that these changes are going to make me lose track of who I am. I'm not sure if this is simply based off a dependency on the depression or if I am truly missing the loner figure that I used to be. The unknown has always scared me and this is truly no exception. I'm terrified of what could happen if I suddenly decide that this isn't what I want.

I guess that is part of the problem. I fear the what-ifs that are everywhere in the world. There is no way of me being able to predict the future and I hate that. I hate not having that control over the events in my life. I find myself constantly thinking what-if this happens or what-if that happens, and no matter how many times I tell myself not to think of life that way I seem to be stuck in that mental state. It just drives me crazy. I guess its true what they say... we are truly our worst critic and enemy.

I constantly fear the unknown,
Can't seem to let the world lead.
I fight at every given turn,
I try to ignore all my own needs.
I wish upon stars and moons and lights,
Begging the freedom of the night.
Wishing that I could just let it go,
Let my life be wild like the wind and the sea.
I know it won't happen,
I know it can't be,
I can't seem to let go of me.
I fight with every bit of my strength,
To control the world,
Like the fish in a tank.
I wanna be God,
But only to me,
The master of my fate,
Of my Destiny.