Hey It's been awhile...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I wrote... things have just been crazy to a point where I haven't given it much thought at all. Not on purpose that is... But anyway, I guess I should fill out a little of what has been happening...


Let me see...

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Its been a crazy ride; one that I never thought was possible, if we're being honest. It's not that I don't think he isn't everything I want, or that I don't love him to the ends of the earth; its simply that I doubted I could stay in a relationship without self destructing things. I have that crazy way of making the world blow up in my face. But things have been a lot better.

I have been working really hard, not to fix myself, but to become a better me. I grew to a point where this depression and anxiety was really ruining my life. I couldn't take what it was putting me through, so I took whatever steps I needed to so that I could fix it. I think that it really has made a difference in my life. Garrett and I have been pushed to our limits by this depression and I doubt that we would still be together if I hadn't made the effort to change myself.

I can honestly say that I feel happy more now than I feel depressed. Its a new life style for me. I often find myself restless and awkward because I don't know how to function without that sadness hovering over me. I have more energy than I am used to and a desire to make friends. It's odd if you ask me. But apparently this is the right state of mind, so I'm not questioning it. I sometimes worry that these changes are going to make me lose track of who I am. I'm not sure if this is simply based off a dependency on the depression or if I am truly missing the loner figure that I used to be. The unknown has always scared me and this is truly no exception. I'm terrified of what could happen if I suddenly decide that this isn't what I want.

I guess that is part of the problem. I fear the what-ifs that are everywhere in the world. There is no way of me being able to predict the future and I hate that. I hate not having that control over the events in my life. I find myself constantly thinking what-if this happens or what-if that happens, and no matter how many times I tell myself not to think of life that way I seem to be stuck in that mental state. It just drives me crazy. I guess its true what they say... we are truly our worst critic and enemy.

 Control
I constantly fear the unknown,
Can't seem to let the world lead.
I fight at every given turn,
I try to ignore all my own needs.
I wish upon stars and moons and lights,
Begging the freedom of the night.
Wishing that I could just let it go,
Let my life be wild like the wind and the sea.
I know it won't happen,
I know it can't be,
I can't seem to let go of me.
I fight with every bit of my strength,
To control the world,
Like the fish in a tank.
I wanna be God,
But only to me,
The master of my fate,
Of my Destiny.