Saturday, September 24, 2011

I fainted.

Stone cold
fall out.

I slammed my head onto the cement block floor and we can only hope I'm ok from that. I was out for awhile tho it literally felt like nothing. I lost my ability to see and speak for 5 min after I regained consciousness.

And the worst part?

I have no one I can talk to about it...
Everyone thinks I'm being over dramatic...

Guess they think I'm calling wolf on this one... O well.
I'm going to bed.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Video Blog?

Whose awesome nd is gonna start adding video to my blog world?!?!?!  ME!!!! Hahaha thank you thank you very much!!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I hate this...

I can't do it anymore... I can't pretend it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't know how to keep fighting against all the blows that seem to want to tear me apart.

If it's not one thing it's another... I just don't know how to keep doing it...

I feel bad for my boyfriend. My boyfriend who I love more than the world and want nothing more than to spend the entirety of my life with... I feel bad for him for wanting me back... Because he has to date the girl who can't go out. Who can't go on dates or hang out with out having to lie. The girl who has to be home everyday by 10 or else the world comes crashing down. I'm fucking 19 years old and I still ask permission and except it when they say no. What the hell? Why is what I do not good enough to warrent me having the freedoms I deserve god damnit!
But you know what... I do get those freedoms. They are just ripped away from me when my parents decide they don't want me to have it anymore...

So... I just give up. I'm done playing. Belly up or teeth out. Either way this game is gonna end.

You can try to stop the seasons baby but you know you never will.

I'm ready

Locked up tight
Like I would never feel again
Stuck in some kind of love prison
And threw away the key (Ohh Ohh)

Until I stared into your eyes
Made me start to realize
The possibilities (Soo Soo)

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken
I'm gonna say it like it's never been spoken
Tonight Tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go
I'm gonna give it like it's never been taken
I'm gonna fall like I don't need saving
Tonight tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go

So played out
The same lies with a different face
But there's something in the words you say
That makes it feel all so real

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken
I'm gonna say it like it's never been spoken
Tonight Tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go
I'm gonna give it like it's never been taken
I'm gonna fall like I don't need saving
Tonight tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go

No need for me to run, run, run
You makin' me believe in everything
No need to go and hide, hide, hide
Gonna give you every little piece of me

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken...

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken...

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken
I'm gonna say it like it's never been spoken

Tonight Tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go
I'm gonna give it like it's never been taken
I'm gonna fall like I don't need saving
Tonight tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The pit of my stomach

Sometimes things need to be said. They bother us enough that they have to be put out in the open. But when we finally put them out there the dread that fills your stomach is almost unbearable.

I'm not one to stand up for myself, especially against authority. I take what I'm handed and assume it's what I deserve... But that wasn't the case this time... I know that what has happened hasn't warranted this kind of treatment and I really would like it to end... But now that I've taken those steps I'm scared. I wanna pull the words back in and pretend it never happened.

Maybe I should have waited... I'm not ready for this...

Fairie Tales

 I used to believe in fairie tales
(that was how i used to be) 
the perfect prince would always come,
and find his future queen.
I told myself it was make believe,
fairie tales don't exist.
There is no princess and never is there a prince.
But they one day
(around seventeen)
you stood at my door.
Your arms around me told me,
you'd never ask for more.
Then all of those fairie tales,
came rushing back to me,
I cried myself to sleep that night,
(hoping love was real).

But who am I to kid myself,
Life's no fairie tale,
the prince will never find me,
he'll just look somewhere else.
I'm nobody's queen
and I'll never try to be,
the only thing I have in life is simply me.

That graceful Sleeping Beauty,
That luscious Snow White,
a simple kiss woke them both;
saving them from the night.
I remember when I was younger,
every night I would dream,
a kiss would wake me from my sleep,
and upon his noble steed.
He'd race away like thunder,
slipping through the dark.
He's arms around me held me tight
and said all was right.
I remember I would wake right up,
(just before the end),
a final glance at the castle door,
and the treasure deep within.

But who am I to kid myself,
Life's no fairie tale,
the prince will never find me,
he'll just look somewhere else.
I'm nobody's queen
and I'll never try to be,
the only thing I have in life is simply me.

But now that I think about it,
your arms felt just like his.
So soft and strong,
just where I knew they always belonged.
Then suddenly a knock
fell upon the door.
I couldn't get there fast enough,
time seemed to slur.
Then just like Cinderella's prince,
there you were in front of me.
Outside in the rain,
drenched from head to toe,
it became official for me,
how could I not have known.
I had you all,
heart and soul,
heat depth and passion.
No fights could come between us,
no queen could still our love.
A kiss you placed so carefully
upon my smiling lips,
I couldn't help but grab you back,
releasing the passion held within.

Sometimes I guess you should believe,
never be too quick to judge.
Love can come from anything and even anyone.
Even though I'm no Beauty,
and he wears no crown,
a fairie tale is what we have,
and love is what we found.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Let's talk about Maturity!


So plan and simple you just made my day.

You have inadvertently proved everything I have said about you in these past few days and I think that is utterly hilarious. No I wasn't trash talking you I was simply observing that you are in no way the person you led me to believe you were.

Man I love it.

Simply because I love being right. Don't try to fill my head with your nonsense about wanting to be friends, missing me around and all the other crap. You dug your grave so lay in it. You cheated so deal with it. Honestly people should find out. You asked me not to tell and by that asked me to give you a decency you don't deserve.

Honestly more than anything I hope you learn to grow up from this. Pressing delete online and giving me shit at work isn't going to make me go away. You're going to have to see me and realize that your morals truly meant nothing and you're no better than the rest of us. It's time to look in the mirror hun. Look at the way you treat the world and know that even though I put up with it and other people put up with it for a short time, that time is coming to an end. People don't like jerks and know-it-alls and that my dear is exactly what you put yourself out there to be.

Enjoy your day!


Thursday, September 15, 2011

Silly Rabbit

Universal truths that all men should--but don't--understand

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

2. Real men drive stick shift.

3. I will leave if you lie.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

 8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have a text from you.

11. I expect you to call me.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. New shoes also do the trick.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...needing some time to be ready. d. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.

18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.

19. I own a John Denver CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to anything, say nothing.

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

23. You should never demand I do something.

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

30. I want to be Madonna.

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.

32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.

37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start pouting....

38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

41. I love it when you're sweaty.

42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

44. I like porn.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...

48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.

50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Ciara is Lost

Its that feeling where you feel so helpless in terms of everything in the world around you. Like no matter what changes, you know you didn't cause it and you're not to thank.

It isn't a feeling I enjoy. I hate it. There is nothing in the world I can do about it.

Utilitarianism states that the goal of the life and the world is to lead a life with more pleasure than pain. Yet to feel and understand what that pleasure is, you have to have known pain. And here's the kicker... The more pleasure you know, the worse your pains become. It gets to a point where you're climbing a mountain. You're building up these anticipated highs and climbing more and more, unwilling to stop the steep voyage you're on... You hit the peak. It's beautiful. Breath-taking. Then you start to trip. Something you let in, let crawl under your flesh and rot, forgotten and under estimated, has finally started to surface... And then you're rolling down that mountain, seemingly hitting every bush, twig and rock on the way down. But for some reason the fall takes longer than the climb. Allow me to crudely demonstrate

     /   \
    /     \
   /       \
  /         \
 /           \     

Well I am now on the downward part of this cycle... My highs have been so fantastic, nd I just realized what my festering wound has been....

I'm helpless. To myself and those I love... I can't help Tim feel better about not being at his grandma's side when she passed this morning, let alone about her passing. I can't make my boyfriend feel better like his friends do... I can't make my mom stop drinking, I can't make my ex not hate me. I can't make my best friend break up with her crap excuse for a boyfriend, I can't help another friend fight through her relationship... I can't help anyone....

Not even those I want to help more than anything....
So why keep trying to help?



Thursday, September 1, 2011

Full Blooded pt2

                Thirty minutes later Hunter Blackwell finally dismissed the class. Watching them all file out, Rona sat in a mental battle. Should I try and sneak out with the crowd, or should I see what it is he wants? The question floated back and forth across her mind, until she realized what her next class was. College Algebra. Nothing innately enjoyable about that. Unless you happened to sit behind the guy that drove you wild, and guess what, she did. Well that made the decision remarkably easy.
                With a quick glance at the clock perched so methodically above the blackboard Rona was struck with the realization that she was gonna be late. But speed was not her desire to exit the class. It was stealth. How to get out without the TA noticing her lack of commitment to their little after class chat? And then all hope was shattered.
                “Rona, can I ask why it is your trying to leave when we have a need for discussion?” Mr. Blackwell’s smirk was nothing short of wolfish. Oh, god , he’s really going to make me stay, Rona thought in disgust. He sat down and looked her up down, unabashed, like there was nothing wrong with an obvious sexist approach to his student. Now he’s taking notes, Rona fumed as she watched him jot down quickly something on a scratch of paper on his desk, doesn’t he see he’s wasting my time?! Handing her the paper folded in half, he made it clear, “You are not to read this until you return to your dorm.” She rolled her eyes. It probably wouldn’t make it out of the lecture hall.
                “Now let me see what you were writing,” he all but demanded. She shook her head. She had promised herself she wouldn’t show anyone else her writings. The last time had been with her now ex-boyfriend. When she broke up with him he became infuriated and did the one thing that would truly hurt her. He spread throughout the campus who she was. She stopped writing, stopped publishing her works and hid from the literary world. After sometime her publisher convinced her that she could start again. All she had to do was hide that part of her identity and start fresh, create a new fan base and work from the bottom up. She missed the feeling of keys beneath her fingers and pouring her desires and frustrations into a computer, like a waterfall spilling from one source into a pool. With that decision made Ginger Heller was no more, much to the disappointment of her many loyal fans and Risika Jones was brought forth into the world.
                “Ms. Marks as horrible as it would be for me to say, I can tell you that if I report you to the course professor for your actions in class and your refusal to listen now, harsh punishment could be taken. If not a failing grade, it is possible he will drop you from the class.”  If it wasn’t obvious before the smirk was now one of the most prominent things about Hunter Blackwell right now. “You can make this easy or hard. The choice is entirely up to you.”
                Suddenly flushed Rona stared at the floor. I can’t have a that on my records and it’s too late to sign up for another course… Why is he making my life so difficult? She came to terms with her lack of a choice in the matter. Her parents would have her head if she got any farther behind in her classes, let alone if it was due to the temper she could rarely control. Of course, if you already lost control of it, why try and rein it in? She all but threw the notebook at him. “Happy now?”
                His smile only served to fuel her fire. “Is there anything else you would like to know? My life’s story? My hopes for the future? What color underwear I’m wearing? Any other personal boundaries you would like to cross?” She knew it was time to shut up but she couldn’t bring herself to. Once she crossed the line it was impossible to stop until it was finished. What was that thing her mom used to tell her? You can’t put tooth paste back in the tube after you push it out. Just like her words. Once she said them she couldn’t take it back. But without missing a beat the TA continued to push all the wrong buttons.
                “Well, if you would like to indulge me in such things I would be glad to listen.”
                Rona took a step back. What was with this guy? She had never met anyone so blunt in her life, and it was starting to make her head spin.
                “Well…,” she wasn’t even sure of a comeback anymore. She didn’t know if her seriously wanted to know more about her or if he was just trying to upset her.
                “Tell me about yourself. It’s just the two of us. No need to be embarrassed, though I won’t ask you what color underwear you’re wearing. When’s your birthday, what do you like to do, what you would like to do in the future.”
                “Well, I’m a Cancer, my birthday is July 17th, I like pop, hip-hop, rock and rap, I have a Doberman named Harley. All my life I’ve wanted to be an author, I have no religion and I always say what I think, which is why I will say you are a very attractive jerk,” she said quickly, placing her hand over her mouth.
                Smiling broadly, he read over the brief passage she had managed to scribble during his lecture on metaphors.
                “This is nice, very nice. You remind me of a writer whom I loved deeply, though no one really knew much about her. She doesn’t write anymore, but she was great. She wrote under a pen name, Ginger Heller. She was kinda my guilty pleasure, so not many people know I liked her writing. I mean how many people would take a guy who read romance novels seriously?” Rona couldn’t help but gasp in the back of her mind. The cart wheels were starting. She was supposed to avoid those… Since she was little whenever her mind became overwhelmed she got lost in a train of thought so deep she tended to faint. He liked Ginger… I wonder if he’s read anything by Risika? Wow… I would never have thought… But how does he not know about me? If he has been here long enough… everyone at this campus knows. His eyes are pretty… And then the dizzy spell hit.
                “Rona! Rona, are you ok? Can you hear me?” Nodding, Rona shook off the last remainder of her slight blackout. Glancing up from the floor, she found her new TA trying to catch her eye. “Are you sure you’re all right? I can walk you to your dorm if you want.” Rona shook her head. She thought she was ok, nothing really seemed wrong with her that she could immediately find. Maybe she was just so deep in thought she blacked out, like when she was little. Yeah, that was it, just another case of thinking too much. She started to walk towards the door, without so much as a goodbye, just eager to escape the trapped feeling she was developing. Suddenly the spins came back.
                “Maybe you should walk me home… just in case.” He nodded and walked around the desk to her, cupping her elbow and steering her toward the door. Instantly Rona fell into his arms, her energy drained.
                “Whoa, I got you,” he said as he encircled his arm around her waist.
                “Tha...Than… Thank you…” she mumbled right before she blacked out.

Full Blooded

                He stroked her cheek, causing her heart to jump to her throat; did he love her like he said? She let the questions fade as he softly placed his lips on hers. Instantly her hands were at the back of his neck, twirling in between the strands, getting lost in the long sleek curls she loved so much. She knew this moment wouldn’t last, she knew eventually she would have to relinquish this moment and they would both pretend it never happened. But she longed desperately that it wouldn’t, that she would never have to let go, and they wouldn’t have to pretend!
Without notice he began to pull away. “Not yet”, her mind screamed. She clung to him tightly, pulling him into her. Finally he broke away. The look he shot her spoke of pain and distrust, and she knew she had broken the sacred alliance they had formed during this many passionate embraces. She was never supposed to ask for more, never feel a connection with him that stepped outside of their finely traced boundaries. She looked at the floor and pushed his arms away from his side. She looked deeply into his eyes, trying to find some meaning behind the pain she felt and he emanated. Finding nothing she couldn’t help but sigh. That’s not what she wanted. She wanted him to fall for her. Deeply, passionately. All he did was want her… slowly, she walked away.   


That was the start of her newest book, The Perfect Man, but from that point she didn’t know how to continue. She was an author under a pin name, which no one knew belonged to her, Risika Johns.  Most of her books were fantasies and romances, save for the few mysteries she wrote. But all of her books revolved around one guy… and what a guy he was. Aubrey Richardson. Stunning good looks, ingenious when it came to things that simply made her head spin. A guy that was attractive enough to drive an author, who wrote of passion and heated embraces mind you, mad with heartache and lust. There is truly no other way to describe it. To tell what she knew as a desire and a thirst, a longing and a passion, an uncontrollable hunger.
                “Would you care to join us Miss?”, the new TA called from the front of the room. She rolled her eyes. Her college required her to take all the basic levels of literature and writing classes, but every moment she was in here, the more and more aggravated she became.
                “Normally I’d say yes and tell you to bug off, but since you don’t seem to know me that well, I’ll humor you and give you another chance before I let you get on my nerves.” That got a roll of laughter from the students seated around her. The TA walked up the rows until he reached the row she was at.
                “Well, stay after class and we can get to know each other.”, he said with a wink. “Now I want everyone to tell me their name, major and something deeply interesting about themselves, starting with my new friend here.”
                Another fit of giggles.
                She opened her mouth to speak, when the TA motioned for her to stand up. When she finally managed to squirm out from in between the overly cramped line of desks around her she crossed arms over her chest and waited for the nod of approval. Granted.
                “Now what’s your name?”
                “Rona Marks. Yours?” Actually intrigued by this man’s boldness, she wanted to get to know him, to find out what made him tick.
                “Hunter Blackwell. Now, your year and major, if you could privilege the class?”
                “I’m a freshman. I started a year late, so I’m 19, and my major is literature,” Rona declared, already growing bored with being on full display for the rest of the packed lecture hall.
                “Well, be sure you wait after class. I don’t deal with disrespect, even if it comes from someone less aware of the policies in place on a college campus. It’s time for us all to grow up ma’am. You can have a seat.”

My heart's a stereo, it beats for you, so listen close...

It amazes me how all the perfect love songs come out at the same time. It's nice.

The world I think has finally entered into a simpler and calmer environment.It's something I've been waiting for for a long time... I don't handle stress and dark emotions very well... I never have. If you give me happy feelings I can run with them and be the brightest little star in the world... But when you start reminding me of dark times in my life, like highschool and other things... It just kills me... But on to lighter news.

Classes are back in session!!!!!

You didn't know someone could be excited about something like school until now! But what can I say? I was born and raised a nerd. I think I'm going to be the kind of old retired women who says "I want to go back to school!" I'm actually dreading graduating... (yes I am still far from that point, but regardless), simply because it's the end of something I know and understand and the start to a forever in the "real-world" that I don't think I'm ready for...

My next post is going to be a story that I'm trying to start writing... It's a little PG13. But hey, I'm an adult... But this is a new thing for me... SO... be nice to it.