Monday, January 14, 2013


I have watched a fire burn so brightly the colors around it turned black.
I have watched the colors of shadows grow and brighten,
encompassing all around them,
as the flames soared higher and higher over me.
                            I could not resist the urge to reach my fingers out…
                                              I knew the pain would come,
                                 as my skin heated over the heat and passion.
The flame burned with a lust that rivaled any I had seen;
It caused in me a desire so strong tears were brought to my eyes.
               But still I reached outwards for it…
                            Longed for that flame to fill my core.
There is a fascination that comes with this kind of longing,
a curiosity of how one can come to own and control it…
I held my own elements,
it wasn’t that I was alone.
The ice that surrounded my heart was given to me,
and I had never before wanted to melt it away…
Yet this fire held my eyes and made me hungry,
made me crave its tongue against my skin.

I did it.
                                                    I touched the flame.
Toying with it for so long only made my soul hotter and hotter.
I did not know that things like this were possible…
The gift of ice was all but forgotten,
no longer cool and solid…
it was cold and hard.
I wanted to shed the ice and embrace the fire…
I did it.
I burned myself and loved it.
                One touch did nothing for me.
I stepped fully into the fire and felt its heat tear apart my skin,
the blisters and burns barely a thought in my mind.
                                    I must own this fire.
                                                                         I must control this fire.
And I did it.
       But you cannot control a flame…
The flame fades to a spark…
        No one wins.
My fire is gone now…
I think I killed it.
But all a fire needs to do is breathe,
it needs air to light it’s spark again.
The burns I have suffered leave their tell-tale marks on my skin,
                                                                             but growing colder
and colder.
I want the fire to rage.
I want to step into it once more,
be hypnotized by its passion
and have it control me the way fire should.
Not to own me,
but to burn with me.

My Idol

People talk so much about who they look up to most in life; how these people shape them into who they are and provide so much motivation in times of strength.

I never really had one of those, simply because I was too stubborn to admit that I needed strength from someone else... But recently I've seen what a hypocritical statement that was, I have always leaned on others for strength, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. But it's time for me to come clean.

I have an idol.
Someone who I think many woman look up to, even if they don't want to admit it.

Marilyn Monroe is my idol.

Now why would I say that some people don't want to admit they idolize her? Let me tell you a little about Marilyn...

Marilyn was orphan and a model turned actress in the mid twentieth century. She stared in many famous films like The Misfits, Some like it hot, and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. She was a sex symbol and proud of it. She was married three times, all of which ended in divorce, and spent some time in a mental institution after he second marriage ended. She was rumored to have been in an affair with JFK, but this was later proved to be a hoax. Marilyn was reported to have suffered from psychotic delirium and sought treatment from multiple doctors (one of whom was the one to find her body). There are many aspects of Marilyn that people would not want to associate with themselves, but for me she's like a twin... A little cocky to say this, I am aware.

Marilyn was a big advocate of loving yourself more than anything; that being a woman was the best thing in the world, because we have all the power, even if the men don't know it. When looking at her life and the way she felt, I find myself whispering her mantras to myself. She dealt with her own illnesses with a strength and grace that really should be admired. She was beautiful and curvy and loved her body. She always had a smile on her face, and if she can do it, so can I.

Someone told me once (before having been corrected about the affair between JFK and Marilyn) that they would rather be a Jackie, having the seat of power and being the public face of a relationship, than be a Marilyn, having the emotional bond and sexual bond that comes from an affair of the heart. It may be bad to say, but I would rather be a Marilyn.


Friday, January 11, 2013

Which one is for you?

Of fire and demons
 of heaven and air,
between the two chose with care.
Of burning bodies deep inside,
of light and feathers way up high.
Live all you want,
Drink, sex and play,
If hells the place you want to stay.
But if you desire a peace of mind,
and your own little space on cloud nine,
beware of sin,
for heaven's sake,
do your best to make no mistake.

The two will war,
as they clear you a place.
Praying, lusting
for you to turn thier way.
Make your choices,
do so with care,
between the pits
and between the air.

Which is right
and which is wrong?
Which can break you
or make you strong?
A life of sin
a death of pain,
walking the end
of the devil's chain.
A life of virtue,
a death so gay,
God's land for you
to be free and play.

Choose wisely my friend,
you get but one,
live or die only for fun.
Speak not of fate,
or destiny to undo
the choice resides solely in you.
I have dug my grave,
laid the flowers to rest,
having passed
my final test.
I know what I want
the question is doyou?
Where shall you choose
between the two.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

I'm going to give all my secrets away.

From the day he brings his new born girl home, a father lives in fear that someday she'll get hurt... that some day she'll hate him... and worst of all, that someday she'll grow up. 
 But there is one moment a father can't even bare to fear... the day his little B loses her big V.

Someone once told me that the only way to totally get aware from fears is by confronting them... The problem with that idea is it requires one to know the exact thing that they fear. This is an easy enough task if you have a physical fear. For instance Freud and mid twentieth century psychology would place a person afraid of frogs in a room with frogs and over time the subject would realize there is no need for fear.

But that isn't the case with me...

Yes I do have a fear of frogs and toads but it isn't something that needs to be confronted in my opinion. (Of course this could also just be the fear talking).

I am afraid of the non touchable things. And I want to speak of them in the rawest way that I can.

I am afraid of being hated. Simply put this fear comes from a lifetime of feeling like the outsider, both in my home and in an academic setting.

I am afraid of meeting people. This can quite easily be explained by the aforementioned fear.

I am afraid of rejection. I guess this goes hand in hand with the other two fears. But the thing with this is that it truly incapacitates me. I don't try to get around this fear because of my history. I have yet to have any instance where this fear was not justified, and I wish I had never tried to get around it in the first place.

I am afraid of what I have become. I am not the person I was, nor the person I want to be (because the person I want to be is the person I was [don't you love the morbid irony of my life?]). The person i was is caring and fun loving, the person I became over the last year was cold and bitter. This is no ones fault but my own. I was too afraid to confront the things that hurt me and this lack of confrontation morphed my psyche. In the amazing way that is the human mind, when you finally realize what the problem is the solution begins organically. I guess you could say that this is the case with me. I feel more like the person I was than I have in the past year.

I am afraid of my mask. I know that I shouldn't need a mask, but for the past couple of days I have had to show that I am strong. My friends know better and so do you my faithful internet companion, but the outside world does not. This of course is just for my own benefit. I don't want people's pity right now; I want to know that the friends I'm trying to make like me for me, not because they feel bad for me. But my mask is heavy and exhausts me. I am doing everything that I can think  of to be energetic like I truly am but right now I'm kind of dragging my feet, ready for the day to be over so that my battery can charge.

I am afraid people will think I am a monster... I guess this comes from the fact that I think I'm a monster. Allow me to explain. I suffer from something called Dis-associative Identity Disorder. This is a really fancy way of saying I have multiple personalities. So far as I know I only have two... Me and Alyss, who took over my blog for a short while. Alyss came to be when I was raped at 15 (at least that is the earliest I can recall having a need for her, and with DID the personality is created from a need) and I was not aware of her existence until recently, when she decided taking away the things I loved was her new favorite game. I am not sure if she is a good guy or a bad guy... if she wants what's best for me or what is best for her.

I am afraid of Alyss. Not simply the fact that she exists, but who she is and how I cannot fathom her motives. I got close once... She would talk to him and he would recount the conversations for me. I had never felt closer to understanding myself.       But things suddenly changed and her name became like dirt in his mouth and ears. I could tell he hated all mention of it and in that way hated me. He would never admit it, but I could always see it. The distrust in his eyes when he told me he loved me, the distance he kept from me when I was depressed... I lost him long before I lost him... And I knew it was all my fault. If she hadn't been there that wall would not have come up as it did. As I watch the things I love leave me I begin to not only fear her but hate her. She has turned my friends against me this weekend and left me alone... So I have decided to confront this fear in the only way I know... I started talking.
My idol Marilyn Monroe said something that has carried with me in this time of strife...

I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

No truer words have been spoken. I have begun telling people about her. So far the people I have told haven't turned away from me... Except for one... and the loss of Joe breaks me to my core. I needed him in this time, because he understood me in a way that few have carried to.

I have a two new fears that have come about in this past week.
I am afraid of trusting. I know this seems contrary to what I just said about talking about Alyss, but in this case it means something different. I am afraid to trust like I trusted him... this goes to my second new fear

I am afraid of love. There is a cruel irony in this. I love the idea of love and all things associated with it, and love has been my driving motivation for almost six years. I have never loved since Spike and never wanted to... But then I did love again and it was pure and happy I thought. But in the way that only seems poetic, I didn't know how wrong I was. I guess you never do. The funny thing is that I still love him, and know I always will. Love doesn't just die or go away. If it does than it wasn't love. But now I am afraid to admit my feelings toward anything... I went to lunch with a friend of mine, and they had one of my favorite desserts. I was ecstatic (everyone needs to binge every once in awhile in my opinion) and went to rant and rave about it to my friend, but as the words "I love this so much" were about to roll off my tongue I stopped; The idea of saying I loved something hurt so badly I no longer wanted the dessert. Not because the word love made me think of him, but because I didn't want to love anything anymore, because love hurts. When I think of the dessert now my stomach turns violently and I realize I no longer want it. I wonder if this is a normal response...


Sunday, January 6, 2013

Alyss's Adventures in Wonderland

Good Afternoon Internet World

My name is Alyss... I was not gifted with a last name, but it was one Garrett Dunnan who granted me my first. I have been around for a long time, but the only time I was fully given the reins was shortly after Spike attacked Ciara. I was different then, just like any person is when they are younger.

I found myself immersed in the world of Wicca and magic. It was a magical time... Truly. It was short lived though. There comes a certain point where people don't want to deal with childish things, and as stated in Corinthians "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things" 

So the spell books were put away and I made my way back into the recesses of Ciara's mind. She never knew that I was in control and she was content throughout that time. I guess we have reached that point again... I didn't think that anyone could hurt her like Spike did, but this is a different kind of hurt, so she is sleeping it off. She needs this time, so I am going to give this to her, she deserves it.

I promised her that I would keep a running written history for her. This is because she wonders about the times she misses, so this is my gift to her. 

I am after all her bitch at bay

Now, when he and I meet, after all these days,
I say to the bitch inside me, don’t start growling.   
He isn’t a trespasser anymore,
Just an old acquaintance tipping his hat.
My voice says, “Nice to see you,”
As the bitch starts to bark hysterically.
He isn’t an enemy now,
Where are your manners, I say, as I say,
“How is the family? They must be getting old.”   
At a kind word from him, a look like the old days,   
The bitch changes her tone; she begins to whimper.   
She wants to snuggle up to him, to cringe.
Down, girl! Keep your distance
Or I’ll give you a taste of the choke-chain.
“Fine, I’m just fine,” I tell him.
She slobbers and grovels.
After all, I am her mistress. She is basically loyal.   
It’s just that she remembers how she came running   
Each evening, when she heard his step;
How she lay at his feet and looked up adoringly   
Though he was absorbed in his paper;
Or, bored with her devotion, ordered her to the kitchen   
Until he was ready to play.
But the small careless kindnesses
When he’d had a good day, or a couple of drinks,
Come back to her now, seem more important
Than the casual cruelties, the ultimate dismissal.
“It’s nice to know you are doing so well,” I say.
He couldn’t have taken you with him;
You were too demonstrative, too clumsy,
Not like the well-groomed pets of his new friends.   
“Give my regards to your life,” I say. You gag
As I drag you off by the scruff,
Saying, “Goodbye! Goodbye! Nice to have seen you again.”

Bury me inside of me

I have been thinking a lot about the choices I have made these past few days. I have been stupid and reckless, putting not just myself at risk now.

When I allowed the news to slip, someone else came forward to help me. She told me that I couldn't live the way I wanted to and that there were more important things to think about. Needless to say I didn't listen. It had been so long since this "friend" was a part of my life that I thought I was strong enough to be without her; that I could handle whatever was thrown my way...

I have never been more wrong.

The events surrounding Friday night have finally started coming back to me, with her help of course...

I went to the gym like any other afternoon. I guess I was hoping that someone would be there for me to lean on and draw strength from. Sitting there, staring into the electronic world of nothing, I recieved an email. I couldn't tell who the sender was, but it was to my university email, so I thought it must be something or someone important. Checking the email I realized it was Spike... Well I thought he was in Tennessee still, so I felt no wrong in telling him that I was at my University's gym and didn't feel like talking. He emailed me back immediately telling me that I shouldn't have been so rash in telling the story of our intimacy, and that he truly loved me and missed me; he wanted to see me again. Sure, if only he was here in Jax and not a few states away right? The next thing I know a hand is on my shoulder... so strong and protecting. I thought it was... well, it wasn't, and it was stupid of me to hope. The voice whispering in my ear could never have come from the person I wanted it to... The promises, the longing... he doesn't feel any of those things for me anymore....

I agreed to go into his truck (yes, the same truck from years ago) and go for a drink (non-alcoholic of course). He went inside of the Kangaroo next to campus and brought me out one of those big gulp things... I didn't bother to wonder about this choice at the time, but now I can only seem to see my stupidity. We toasted to our history, rocky and horrid that it was. He apologized profusely for the past and I shrugged them off, I didn't have the emotional range at the time to even care.

But then something strange happened... I started talking... freely... I told him about the evening before, about the test, about everything that he had no right to know... At this point my head was fuzzy... I don't remember this at all... I was filled in my an "outside" observer. According to her, the whole time I talked his eyes grew darker and darker, and he mumbled some things about our destiny and this not being a part of it... The punches started flying before I knew it... I screamed for someone to help, but there was no one around... I had led to him to a spot that I shared with someone else... A secluded parking lot behind the campus where he and I were intimate... I had shared all of my secret memories with a monster...

I begged him to stop... That I would do anything if he did. His grin was... there are no words to describe the maliciousness that was there. He wanted me again... He told me that he would stop drugging me and treat me like a lady; he wouldn't hurt me anymore and he wouldn't let the past be repeated... all I had to do was become intimate with him again and allow the test to be retaken... He wanted Blip...

Alyss won't let me remember anything else that happened... Only that he drove me to my car and hour later and promised to be in touch. I don't remember getting home or hiding the growing bruises... I don't remember writing about that night and I don't remember what answer I gave him... But Alyss says she has it all taken care... Alyss says that it's time for me to go away and stop making desicions that are hurting others. I don't think she cares about me hurting myself anymore... I woke up this morning screaming and covered in blood... I think she's right... It's time for me to go away...

Alyss will take care of everything.
She promised.
She gave me her word she would keep writing for me and let no one know the difference...
So I guess this is it... 

Goodbye everyone...

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Batman and Robin sitting in a tree

So I just finished watching Batman: Dark Knight Rises.

I have tried finding someone to discuss this with, but no one cared to talk about it. So instead I am going to blog about it :)

(I am learning that my blog is slowly becoming my best friend, pathetic I know)

So let me begin...

The film was overall a good one. Plenty of drama and very engaging. The plot twists were surprising yet not out of the realm of possibilities. From a cinematographic point of view the film was a great success.

But from a story line and believability point the film was lacking.

Beginning with the idea of Bane's take over of the stock market. The security inside the stock market appeared to be extremely tight, with both metal detectors and camera facial scans, yet a countless number of men were able to stroll in carrying some very heavy fire power. No alarm was raised until Bane himself tries to walk in wearing a motorcycle helmet... And they were all able to exit the front doors of the market on motorcycles... Where did these come from exactly? The film momentarily lost me at this point. 

Another aspect was the need for the previous films to understand the current one. Like any good novel or film a few brief flash backs would not have been too much to add. The flashbacks to the Commissioner and his son did provide a minimal insight into that specific story, but that was also explained when Bane read Gordan's speech out loud to the town before he released the prisoners. The film was over three hours long, so having a few more minutes to explain things would not have been such a horrid thing (since the films came out so far apart).

Overall a good film though. 

Do not read me

The nightmares are getting worse.
I can't wake up from them anymore... they just keep replaying over and over again.

I miss him so much...
I stopped feeling things when he walked away, and all I can manage to do is look down at my stomach and cry.

I want to share this with him. It supposed to be such a magical time. I want to raise this child to be everything that I could never be.

I made a mistake... I saw Spike last night... I have since banned him from this page (at least his email no longer receives copy as it somehow did), but it was bad.

He got me high and he was drunk... He hit me, a lot... Make up is hiding the bruises but not covering my pride.

I was an idiot... I just wanted to feel something, because since it ended I haven't been able to feel anything...

Aside from punching my face he hit me in the stomach a few times... hard...  and I'm worried about Blip. I'm going to go to the doctor to make sure everything is ok...

I can't lose him too....

Friday, January 4, 2013

Wanted... Dead or Alive

So, speak of the devil...

The horned beast has apparently been monitoring my posts. I wasn't aware of this... But I guess I knew it was coming...

Well he emailed me... i guess he didn't like me sharing "our story" (his words) with the public world. The funny thing is he doesn't seem to realize no one cares about my life and about my story. So yea, I get this email threatening me to delete the post. But I don't want to. He wants to see me though. I think I'm going to see him. I don't see what could end badly with that right? I mean... I have my knife on me. And I'm stronger than I was.

I'm meeting him at 4.
I'll finish this post after.

So I just got back from being with spike... I opened this draft from earlier. Even I'm not stupid enough to post something like that about him before seeing him. I think i made a mistake... I shouldn't have gone.... I wonder if I hurt Blip... I don't think so... but I wrote a sort of ballad about the night...

Here we are and I can't think from all the pills hey
Start the car and take me home

Here we are and you're too drunk to hear a word I say
Start the car and take me home

Just tonight I will stay
And we'll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It's telling me I'm right
And if I, 
I am through
It's all because of you
Just tonight

But here I am and I can't seem to see straight,
But I'm too numb to feel right now

And here I am watching the clock that's ticking away my time
I'm too numb to feel right now

Do you understand who I am
Do you wanna know
Can you really see through me now
I am 'bout to go

But just tonight I won't leave
I'll lie and you'll believe
Just tonight I will see
That it's all because of me

It's all because of you
Just tonight

It's all because of you
Just tonight

i'm not proud of myself... I was an idiot... he touched me. It burned my skin, but when I said stop, he stopped. Maybe I was wrong about him... Maybe we can work it out and be happy again.


Emergency Room Visit

On the bright side when you have all the conditions that I am currently displaying they put you at the top of the doctor list...

So, I am currently on bed rest... Not that I have the strength to do much else. They don't know what's wrong with me. Allow me to list the symptoms...

  • Severe Headaches
  • Excessive vomiting
  • Lack of Nuturion
    • five days and counting
  • Nosebleeds
    • ranging from slight to severe 
  •  Muscle Deterioration
    • at least that's what I am calling it
    • they have found that I am too weak to stand for prolonged periods, and this could be from the lack of nutrition I am getting
  • Fever at 101 and rising
  • Extremely low blood sugar
    • if this level continues I will be diagnosed diabetic and then will be treated as such  
  •  Poor vision, with or without my glasses
    • images are foggy and seem to orbit around me

This is an ever running list, so there is no telling if or when I will have more to add. It's possible that this is just some emotional response, but in my condition you can never be to careful. I truly feel like Death personified. It isn't something that I would recommend to anyone. What's worse is that I don't feel like talking to anyone about it... Except of course that one person who I promised I wouldn't bother. Despite what he says going to him about this isn't right. He doesn't want to be in my life anymore, so why would it be fair to tell him that I am currently a medical mystery? It would only make him worry, or worse yet it wouldn't make him worry... which is a chance I don't think I can take. I haven't slept in a while and every time I try and close my eyes the nightmares begin.

Allow me to recount one in particular... One that keeps haunting me every night, for the past two weeks. I have only shared this on one occasion, and frankly wished I hadn't. I think he might be coming back... and I'm going to let him this time. Treat me as he will or take care of me, at least someone will be here...

It's a beautiful morning, birds singing and the sun shining down on all things. If I didn't know better I would think that my life had become a Disney movie. He stands in front of me, a smile spread across his handsome face, his dark hair shining under the sun's light, and his dark eyes captivating me. I begin to run towards him, so excited that he is here, that I get to spend this time with him. I am just a young girl and this feels so right. As I get closer his smile somehow transforms, though his mouth never moves. Suddenly it has become monstrous and grotesque. I try to slow down my run... I am beginning to become afraid... But I can't. I keep running until suddenly I am in his arms and he whirls me around, the grin growing until I scream, both from fear and dizziness. But he doesn't stop spinning me...

I close my eyes and cling to his neck, "My darling," I whisper, "Put me down... I don't want to get sick... It's valentines day. That wouldn't be very romantic."

He places me down and laughs, a sound that always calmed my nerves. It felt right again. I follow him as he pulls my hand behind him and we walk to his truck parked not to far away. I don't at the time notice that the sky seems to be getting darker, that the birds have stopped singing and that the park is suddenly empty. It has become more like a graveyard, but I am so smitten with the man in front of me... Six years my senior and so strong and lovely. It's going to be perfect. We have been preparing for this day for a while now... I know that I am ready. Ready to give myself to him and to become a woman. He lays me back on the bed of the truck, looking into my eyes and whispering his love for me. I am swept up in the moment, this feels perfect. His hands are so gentle on my skin, his touch is loving and soft. He pulls my shirt over my head, and I start to get nervous... I'm so young and not yet formed compared to him. I can feel my skin blush and start to try and cover my chest. He pulls me hands away and gently kisses one raised nipple and then the next. I hear myself purr, but I'm not sure where the noise is coming from. I'm having second thoughts... I begin to push him off of me... My hands cold and clammy against his firm warm skin. He's so much bigger than me... His weight is crushing me and I'm starting to have trouble breathing...

"Stop please" I beg, "I was wrong, I'm not ready..."

He looks down at me and frowns... "Well, that's not very fair of you Ciara. You've got me here all motivated and ready for you, and now you are going to back away? Who does that? You're a whore and a skank Ciara. You can't do better than me, so stop trying!" 

I shrink back from his words... They sting... But still I push against him, trying at the same time to cover my chest and gain freedom from him. But his mouth is hungry against my skin and he starts to bite me... It hurts and I cry out, yet he doesn't stop. Then I realize, my pants are still on me... He can't do anything because I won't take them off!

"Ciara, my love" he purrs in my ear (the sound of his voice now is vile and dark... sending waves of fear through my gut), "Ciara I don't want to hurt you. I want us both to enjoy this... Now be a good girl and take these pants off for me."

With my eyes squeezed tight, I shake my head. He won't make me. I am stronger than this... suddenly there is something cold and hard against my throat. My eyes bolt open and there in his hand is knife... One that I gave him for Christmas... He's pushing it against my skin and his eyes are no longer human... I'm more afraid now than I have ever been.

"Take them off" he growls.

I do as he says, the tears backed up in my eyes... I'm too afraid to even cry... With the knife still against my throat he tears my panties off of me like they are paper. Suddenly he is straddling me and demanding that I undo his pants. I do as he says... All the while telling myself that he won't actually hurt me... His length falls in front me...

"Kiss me" he barks, his voice husky with control.

I look up at him confused, how can I kiss him at the moment? He has me pinned beneath his knees... I could kiss his legs... he thighs... or.... It dawns on me, and I can feel my eyes grow wider. I start to shake my head, but the knife buries into my throat. He pushes his length against my lips, and the tears finally fall. I do as he tells me, choking from the tears and the depth he pushes himself inside me. He is suddenly out of my mouth, and the knife is away from my throat. I begin to relax, maybe it is over now. I start to open my eyes when his large strong hands grasp my throat... I can barely breath he is squeezing so tight... Then the pain... Pain I had never imagined... He pushed into me... Over and over... The tears falling from my eyes and the pleads for him to stop only made him squeeze my throat tighter. I felt like knives where being slammed into that special private place... All the while he kept telling me, this is love, this is how it feels to be in love and make love. Isn't it great he would ask. Isn't this everything Disney made it out to be?! It seemed to last forever... I could feel myself slipping farther and farther away into the recesses of my mind... I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to hurt like this... I couldn't take it... His noises became more and more carnal, more like an animal and less like a human. I could feel something running down between my thighs. I could only assume from the pain that it was blood.

Suddenly, he was no longer inside of me. My body was shaking and twitching, I no longer had control of myself. His hands left my throat and the knife replaced them almost instantly. His length was once more against my lips...

"Finish me whore, show me you love me and finish me in your mouth."

The knife pressed into me again, and I did as I was told... I could taste the blood and something salty I didn't understand. It felt like forever that we did this... Him gagging me, and pressing the knife against me harder if I tried to breath. Finally his breathe started to quicken and his hips thrust more and more into my mouth. Suddenly my mouth was filled with something thick and salty... Like the taste I found before. I'm choking and gagging around him, and he falls on top of me, still in my mouth, pushing all his weight against my face, causing me to slam my head against the bed of his truck...

It's at this point I wake up... In tears and choking. A lot of people would doubt the accuracy I remembered this dream with. I remember cause I lived it. Every word, every action, all of it really happened... and this dream has been haunting me every time I close my eyes for the past two weeks.

You find it difficult to stomach the read? Imagine stomaching the reality... and then reliving it every night... for the rest of your life.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Body Parts

Have you ever had those songs that ring in your head, and no matter what you do they don't seem to go away?

Well that is a pretty good way to describe my brain right now. There is so much just floating around in there that i think I subconsciously found a song to replace it all. And here's the thing... This isn't my usual dose of crap... This time there is more than I think any one person in my life knows. For the past seven hours I have felt like my head is going to implode. Not because of head trauma, but because of the magnitude and prevalence of these things... 

So what are these things I imagine you're asking yourself. 
Where to begin... 

I am exactly 60 days late today. It worries me, yes. And of course in typical fashion, assuming that nothing is wrong, yet not knowing makes me stressed and this stress only delays things more. So there is one of my never ending cycles of irony.

I received a voice-mail from the dean of the college of education at UNF. They had, last semester, requested me to change my major to English, until I got everything that I needed together for their college requirements. I can understand that, so I promptly switched my major for the time being. Well I have just received this phone call, and due to emotional circumstances not yet mentioned, choose to ignore it. Well low and behold the call was about my admittance into the college. I was offered early acceptance, despite not having met all the requirements. I don't think this has ever happened before... They are usually very strict about the requirements. So I guess that's really good news. I guess when the dean sees that he has just lost a student with the academic transcript that I have he finds a way to make it work. 

I got into a fight with my Dad this morning... And I'm trying to work through it with a little help from my friends. We haven't spoke since then... except when I was told to scrub the floors. Back breaking work that is... my arms are sore and my back is aching...

Save Me Please!

Fire is my life, fire is my hope, fire is my everything.

Confusion, whipping, whirling never ending.
Always colder, always harder, cruel and devastating all in one.

Fire is my life, fire is my hope, fire is my everything.

Light, I need a light to keep at bay the ever darkening hour.
Searching for warmth, searching to hide, searching to survive.

Fire is my life, fire is my hope, fire is my everything.

A leaf, a twig, anything to find a way.
At last a flame, a hope to guide me from my doom.

Fire is my life, fire is my hope, fire is my everything.

The light is hungry devouring all in its path and growing in strength.
Then suddenly, goodbye mydear with a hiss the light and my salvation go out.

Fire was my life, fire was my hope, fire was my everything.


Fire on your finger,
Fire in your eye,
Fire in your spirit,
Fire that won’t die.

Fire in the bare bones of being,
Fire to uphold what’s right,
Fire in the heart of darkness,
Fire to fuel Love’s light.

Fire to burn but not consume,
Fire to learn and not assume,
Fire to live and give living room,
Fire to love and sing her tune. 

Freedom from...

I stare into the fire
it signifies my desire

leaping creeping and all red flames,
and its beauty hypnotizing,
and its flames uprising.
sparks showering in the night,
feeding fires of lesser might,
fire feeding on life and air,
fire that lays landscapes bare,
fire that warms the heart and soul,
fire that drives away the cold,
fire thats as hot as the heat within,
fire that seeks to erase my sin,
fire promises of days to come,
fire that will unite us as one,

and then I pray for the same desire
will sometimes too ignite your fire,
two lovers burning
consumed with flames,
the ashes of their love
ignite again and again

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Only Slightly Severe Head Trauma

Things have not been going my way lately, to say it in the most blunt and idiotic way I can think of...

Namely with Garrett... The person I love more than anything... It is possible that its coming to an end, and it is killing me inside. The sad thing is that I have done it to myself. I have had the power to prevent this from happening the whole time... All I had to do was tell him about the progress I have made; show him that I have done so much not for him, but for me and for us. I can't explain why I didn't do it... I guess I just wanted to wait until the very moment where things felt like they did in the beginning. I should have just explained everything to him: the way I was feeling and the reasons why I felt that way.

But I have a positive feeling... I think we can get through it. We have gotten through so much worse and been better off for it. Love is worth fighting for, and fight I will.

Its been so long since I had anything that I felt I could write about... Not that I didn't have inspiration, but I couldn't find the words. I think I have them now. I just think it's too late...

I love the way you tell me that I’m beautiful,
and the way you make me laugh like no one else.
I love the way you move the hair away from my eyes,
and then kiss me on my face.
I love the way when you take me to the mall
and put your hands around my waist
as we watch the silly people together and feel the cooling breeze.
I love the way you'd sing to me at random moments,
and look at me and smile.
I love the way you leave the smell of your cologne on my clothes after we hug
I love the way you would send me my favorite characters
signed with an " I LOVE YOU".
I love the way you speak your mind and tell me about your opinions.
I love the way you're not afraid to cry and show your feelings.
I love the way you call me in the middle of the day just to say " I LOVE YOU."
and say how much you miss me.
I love the way you tell your friends about me and smile when you do.
I love the way you whisper into my ear,
the way your voice sounds so close to me.
it feels like I’m dreaming.
I love the way you do all of these and the fact that you're not ashamed to do it.
I love the way you treat me,
and I'll always be yours...

I met you and loved you,
I knew it at the start.
The second I saw you,
I gave you my heart.
Yet I was so afraid
of all the ones before,
the cheaters the liars,
they called me a whore.
I knew not what to say,
what to do or think,
I simply knew you
as I know that I blink.
Then I messed it up,
and went with another,
a man who was far, far from a lover.
He satisfied a need,
I had deep inside:
a guy so plain,
I didn't need to hide.
Wrong, yes I know,
But the past is the past,
the longer I was with him,
the more I looked back.
Back at you,
what I wanted,
and how I messed up,
how I could fix it,
how not to fuck up.
Finally I had the chance,
your lips on mine;
Time seemed to stop,
the world seemed fine.
I knew it was love,
despite all the boundaries,
and we made it work,
we finally were happy.
I'll never give up,
it's you that I want,
I think we can make it,
with more than just luck.