So, I am currently on bed rest... Not that I have the strength to do much else. They don't know what's wrong with me. Allow me to list the symptoms...
- Severe Headaches
- Excessive vomiting
- Lack of Nuturion
- five days and counting
- Nosebleeds
- ranging from slight to severe
- Muscle Deterioration
- at least that's what I am calling it
- they have found that I am too weak to stand for prolonged periods, and this could be from the lack of nutrition I am getting
- Fever at 101 and rising
- Extremely low blood sugar
- if this level continues I will be diagnosed diabetic and then will be treated as such
- Poor vision, with or without my glasses
- images are foggy and seem to orbit around me
This is an ever running list, so there is no telling if or when I will have more to add. It's possible that this is just some emotional response, but in my condition you can never be to careful. I truly feel like Death personified. It isn't something that I would recommend to anyone. What's worse is that I don't feel like talking to anyone about it... Except of course that one person who I promised I wouldn't bother. Despite what he says going to him about this isn't right. He doesn't want to be in my life anymore, so why would it be fair to tell him that I am currently a medical mystery? It would only make him worry, or worse yet it wouldn't make him worry... which is a chance I don't think I can take. I haven't slept in a while and every time I try and close my eyes the nightmares begin.
Allow me to recount one in particular... One that keeps haunting me every night, for the past two weeks. I have only shared this on one occasion, and frankly wished I hadn't. I think he might be coming back... and I'm going to let him this time. Treat me as he will or take care of me, at least someone will be here...
It's a beautiful morning, birds singing and the sun shining down on all things. If I didn't know better I would think that my life had become a Disney movie. He stands in front of me, a smile spread across his handsome face, his dark hair shining under the sun's light, and his dark eyes captivating me. I begin to run towards him, so excited that he is here, that I get to spend this time with him. I am just a young girl and this feels so right. As I get closer his smile somehow transforms, though his mouth never moves. Suddenly it has become monstrous and grotesque. I try to slow down my run... I am beginning to become afraid... But I can't. I keep running until suddenly I am in his arms and he whirls me around, the grin growing until I scream, both from fear and dizziness. But he doesn't stop spinning me...
I close my eyes and cling to his neck, "My darling," I whisper, "Put me down... I don't want to get sick... It's valentines day. That wouldn't be very romantic."
He places me down and laughs, a sound that always calmed my nerves. It felt right again. I follow him as he pulls my hand behind him and we walk to his truck parked not to far away. I don't at the time notice that the sky seems to be getting darker, that the birds have stopped singing and that the park is suddenly empty. It has become more like a graveyard, but I am so smitten with the man in front of me... Six years my senior and so strong and lovely. It's going to be perfect. We have been preparing for this day for a while now... I know that I am ready. Ready to give myself to him and to become a woman. He lays me back on the bed of the truck, looking into my eyes and whispering his love for me. I am swept up in the moment, this feels perfect. His hands are so gentle on my skin, his touch is loving and soft. He pulls my shirt over my head, and I start to get nervous... I'm so young and not yet formed compared to him. I can feel my skin blush and start to try and cover my chest. He pulls me hands away and gently kisses one raised nipple and then the next. I hear myself purr, but I'm not sure where the noise is coming from. I'm having second thoughts... I begin to push him off of me... My hands cold and clammy against his firm warm skin. He's so much bigger than me... His weight is crushing me and I'm starting to have trouble breathing...
"Stop please" I beg, "I was wrong, I'm not ready..."
He looks down at me and frowns... "Well, that's not very fair of you Ciara. You've got me here all motivated and ready for you, and now you are going to back away? Who does that? You're a whore and a skank Ciara. You can't do better than me, so stop trying!"
I shrink back from his words... They sting... But still I push against him, trying at the same time to cover my chest and gain freedom from him. But his mouth is hungry against my skin and he starts to bite me... It hurts and I cry out, yet he doesn't stop. Then I realize, my pants are still on me... He can't do anything because I won't take them off!
"Ciara, my love" he purrs in my ear (the sound of his voice now is vile and dark... sending waves of fear through my gut), "Ciara I don't want to hurt you. I want us both to enjoy this... Now be a good girl and take these pants off for me."
With my eyes squeezed tight, I shake my head. He won't make me. I am stronger than this... suddenly there is something cold and hard against my throat. My eyes bolt open and there in his hand is knife... One that I gave him for Christmas... He's pushing it against my skin and his eyes are no longer human... I'm more afraid now than I have ever been.
"Take them off" he growls.
I do as he says, the tears backed up in my eyes... I'm too afraid to even cry... With the knife still against my throat he tears my panties off of me like they are paper. Suddenly he is straddling me and demanding that I undo his pants. I do as he says... All the while telling myself that he won't actually hurt me... His length falls in front me...
"Kiss me" he barks, his voice husky with control.
I look up at him confused, how can I kiss him at the moment? He has me pinned beneath his knees... I could kiss his legs... he thighs... or.... It dawns on me, and I can feel my eyes grow wider. I start to shake my head, but the knife buries into my throat. He pushes his length against my lips, and the tears finally fall. I do as he tells me, choking from the tears and the depth he pushes himself inside me. He is suddenly out of my mouth, and the knife is away from my throat. I begin to relax, maybe it is over now. I start to open my eyes when his large strong hands grasp my throat... I can barely breath he is squeezing so tight... Then the pain... Pain I had never imagined... He pushed into me... Over and over... The tears falling from my eyes and the pleads for him to stop only made him squeeze my throat tighter. I felt like knives where being slammed into that special private place... All the while he kept telling me, this is love, this is how it feels to be in love and make love. Isn't it great he would ask. Isn't this everything Disney made it out to be?! It seemed to last forever... I could feel myself slipping farther and farther away into the recesses of my mind... I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to hurt like this... I couldn't take it... His noises became more and more carnal, more like an animal and less like a human. I could feel something running down between my thighs. I could only assume from the pain that it was blood.
Suddenly, he was no longer inside of me. My body was shaking and twitching, I no longer had control of myself. His hands left my throat and the knife replaced them almost instantly. His length was once more against my lips...
"Finish me whore, show me you love me and finish me in your mouth."
The knife pressed into me again, and I did as I was told... I could taste the blood and something salty I didn't understand. It felt like forever that we did this... Him gagging me, and pressing the knife against me harder if I tried to breath. Finally his breathe started to quicken and his hips thrust more and more into my mouth. Suddenly my mouth was filled with something thick and salty... Like the taste I found before. I'm choking and gagging around him, and he falls on top of me, still in my mouth, pushing all his weight against my face, causing me to slam my head against the bed of his truck...
It's at this point I wake up... In tears and choking. A lot of people would doubt the accuracy I remembered this dream with. I remember cause I lived it. Every word, every action, all of it really happened... and this dream has been haunting me every time I close my eyes for the past two weeks.
You find it difficult to stomach the read? Imagine stomaching the reality... and then reliving it every night... for the rest of your life.
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