I have been thinking a lot about the choices I have made these past few days. I have been stupid and reckless, putting not just myself at risk now.
When I allowed the news to slip, someone else came forward to help me. She told me that I couldn't live the way I wanted to and that there were more important things to think about. Needless to say I didn't listen. It had been so long since this "friend" was a part of my life that I thought I was strong enough to be without her; that I could handle whatever was thrown my way...
I have never been more wrong.
The events surrounding Friday night have finally started coming back to me, with her help of course...
I went to the gym like any other afternoon. I guess I was hoping that someone would be there for me to lean on and draw strength from. Sitting there, staring into the electronic world of nothing, I recieved an email. I couldn't tell who the sender was, but it was to my university email, so I thought it must be something or someone important. Checking the email I realized it was Spike... Well I thought he was in Tennessee still, so I felt no wrong in telling him that I was at my University's gym and didn't feel like talking. He emailed me back immediately telling me that I shouldn't have been so rash in telling the story of our intimacy, and that he truly loved me and missed me; he wanted to see me again. Sure, if only he was here in Jax and not a few states away right? The next thing I know a hand is on my shoulder... so strong and protecting. I thought it was... well, it wasn't, and it was stupid of me to hope. The voice whispering in my ear could never have come from the person I wanted it to... The promises, the longing... he doesn't feel any of those things for me anymore....
I agreed to go into his truck (yes, the same truck from years ago) and go for a drink (non-alcoholic of course). He went inside of the Kangaroo next to campus and brought me out one of those big gulp things... I didn't bother to wonder about this choice at the time, but now I can only seem to see my stupidity. We toasted to our history, rocky and horrid that it was. He apologized profusely for the past and I shrugged them off, I didn't have the emotional range at the time to even care.
But then something strange happened... I started talking... freely... I told him about the evening before, about the test, about everything that he had no right to know... At this point my head was fuzzy... I don't remember this at all... I was filled in my an "outside" observer. According to her, the whole time I talked his eyes grew darker and darker, and he mumbled some things about our destiny and this not being a part of it... The punches started flying before I knew it... I screamed for someone to help, but there was no one around... I had led to him to a spot that I shared with someone else... A secluded parking lot behind the campus where he and I were intimate... I had shared all of my secret memories with a monster...
I begged him to stop... That I would do anything if he did. His grin was... there are no words to describe the maliciousness that was there. He wanted me again... He told me that he would stop drugging me and treat me like a lady; he wouldn't hurt me anymore and he wouldn't let the past be repeated... all I had to do was become intimate with him again and allow the test to be retaken... He wanted Blip...
Alyss won't let me remember anything else that happened... Only that he drove me to my car and hour later and promised to be in touch. I don't remember getting home or hiding the growing bruises... I don't remember writing about that night and I don't remember what answer I gave him... But Alyss says she has it all taken care... Alyss says that it's time for me to go away and stop making desicions that are hurting others. I don't think she cares about me hurting myself anymore... I woke up this morning screaming and covered in blood... I think she's right... It's time for me to go away...
Alyss will take care of everything.
She promised.
She gave me her word she would keep writing for me and let no one know the difference...
So I guess this is it...
Goodbye everyone...
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