Burns

I have watched a fire burn so brightly the colors around it turned black.
I have watched the colors of shadows grow and brighten,
encompassing all around them,
as the flames soared higher and higher over me.
                            I could not resist the urge to reach my fingers out…
                                              I knew the pain would come,
                                 as my skin heated over the heat and passion.
The flame burned with a lust that rivaled any I had seen;
It caused in me a desire so strong tears were brought to my eyes.
               But still I reached outwards for it…
                            Longed for that flame to fill my core.
There is a fascination that comes with this kind of longing,
a curiosity of how one can come to own and control it…
I held my own elements,
it wasn’t that I was alone.
The ice that surrounded my heart was given to me,
and I had never before wanted to melt it away…
Yet this fire held my eyes and made me hungry,
made me crave its tongue against my skin.



I did it.
                                                    I touched the flame.
Toying with it for so long only made my soul hotter and hotter.
I did not know that things like this were possible…
The gift of ice was all but forgotten,
no longer cool and solid…
it was cold and hard.
I wanted to shed the ice and embrace the fire…
I did it.
I burned myself and loved it.
                One touch did nothing for me.
I stepped fully into the fire and felt its heat tear apart my skin,
the blisters and burns barely a thought in my mind.
                                    I must own this fire.
                 
                                                                         I must control this fire.
And I did it.
       But you cannot control a flame…
The flame fades to a spark…
        No one wins.
My fire is gone now…
I think I killed it.
But all a fire needs to do is breathe,
it needs air to light it’s spark again.
The burns I have suffered leave their tell-tale marks on my skin,
                            red,
                                             flushed,
                                                                             but growing colder
and colder.
I want the fire to rage.
I want to step into it once more,
be hypnotized by its passion
and have it control me the way fire should.
Not to own me,
but to burn with me.

Hey It's been awhile...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I wrote... things have just been crazy to a point where I haven't given it much thought at all. Not on purpose that is... But anyway, I guess I should fill out a little of what has been happening...


Let me see...

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Its been a crazy ride; one that I never thought was possible, if we're being honest. It's not that I don't think he isn't everything I want, or that I don't love him to the ends of the earth; its simply that I doubted I could stay in a relationship without self destructing things. I have that crazy way of making the world blow up in my face. But things have been a lot better.

I have been working really hard, not to fix myself, but to become a better me. I grew to a point where this depression and anxiety was really ruining my life. I couldn't take what it was putting me through, so I took whatever steps I needed to so that I could fix it. I think that it really has made a difference in my life. Garrett and I have been pushed to our limits by this depression and I doubt that we would still be together if I hadn't made the effort to change myself.

I can honestly say that I feel happy more now than I feel depressed. Its a new life style for me. I often find myself restless and awkward because I don't know how to function without that sadness hovering over me. I have more energy than I am used to and a desire to make friends. It's odd if you ask me. But apparently this is the right state of mind, so I'm not questioning it. I sometimes worry that these changes are going to make me lose track of who I am. I'm not sure if this is simply based off a dependency on the depression or if I am truly missing the loner figure that I used to be. The unknown has always scared me and this is truly no exception. I'm terrified of what could happen if I suddenly decide that this isn't what I want.

I guess that is part of the problem. I fear the what-ifs that are everywhere in the world. There is no way of me being able to predict the future and I hate that. I hate not having that control over the events in my life. I find myself constantly thinking what-if this happens or what-if that happens, and no matter how many times I tell myself not to think of life that way I seem to be stuck in that mental state. It just drives me crazy. I guess its true what they say... we are truly our worst critic and enemy.

 Control
I constantly fear the unknown,
Can't seem to let the world lead.
I fight at every given turn,
I try to ignore all my own needs.
I wish upon stars and moons and lights,
Begging the freedom of the night.
Wishing that I could just let it go,
Let my life be wild like the wind and the sea.
I know it won't happen,
I know it can't be,
I can't seem to let go of me.
I fight with every bit of my strength,
To control the world,
Like the fish in a tank.
I wanna be God,
But only to me,
The master of my fate,
Of my Destiny.

How I got to this point in my life?

                   My whole life I’ve heard little quips about how the apple never falls far from the tree; that you are given a hand at birth and you have no option in the way it is played, and every time I heard this I viewed it as unacceptable. I come from a history where drama and addiction are soul-mates that seep into the souls of every branch of our family tree. I’ve spent my whole life trying to prove this wrong; to show that it’s possible to avoid addiction and be strong for you. My main adversary, though, hasn’t been stories of my grandmother’s suicide or the exile of my mother from the rest of her family. My problem has simply been my mother. By nature my mother is a kind hearted woman who gives everything she has to make others around her happy. But for years (I believe 12 and counting) she has been nurturing an addiction to alcohol. When she drinks (which is so often that it’s probably easier to describe the times, “when she doesn’t drink”) she becomes cruel and hard, selfish and bitter, and in all entirety the opposite of the mother I loved in my childhood.  

            When I was little I was a soft child who wanted nothing more than for everyone to be happy, and for rainbows to lead the way to meadows full of daisies and wildflowers. When my mother started drinking that world was brought to a screeching halt. Things weren’t happily ever after anymore. No more running, smiling to mom, instead I had to hide in my room while she tore at everyone in her sight. I was so used to being treated like a doll that when the world changed I knew nothing but fear for every step I took and every word I whispered. I began to grow hard and bitter myself. Not wanting to let anyone close to me, knowing without a doubt that they would hurt me. I wasn’t necessarily wrong either. Rape, betrayal, isolation and being used were just a few of the things that haunted me. I grew weak to a point where life no longer seemed worth it, and suicide attempts soon joined my list of woes. 

            But in classic novel form, I reached a climax of emotion and with it came an epiphany; the things I was doing were simply showing me to be just like my mother and the rest of her family. Weak and feeble minded. This isn’t what I wanted; I wanted to be strong and show that I could be more than they were that I could break the system. This discovery of self truly saved my life, and slowly I am learning to love myself again and to allow others to get close to me, while still maintaining a healthy wall of defense. In order to gain this strength in myself I had to learn that it was ok to not want to be like the rest of my family, that it was ok if I wanted more from my life than the misery they exude. 

It was no overnight journey either, and definitely not something I could handle myself. I tried turning to religion, thinking maybe God could give me the strength I needed, but it didn’t take me long to figure out that I was kidding myself; God wasn’t for me, I needed something else. I began to talk to my few friends about my problems and found that the more I talked the better things felt. I began seeing a counselor where I could divulge my mind in safety. I began to trust others and myself. I started the process of growing strong again. This is how I got to my current point in life, a point where I am a living example of how the apple can fall far, far from the tree.  

You don't know me...

All I want to do is write. I just want to pour my soul onto a page and not feel any guilt about it. But there are 2 main problems with that.

Number one is that I will of course feel guilt because I am almost positive you will try and stomach the whole thing.

Number two is that despite the storms raging inside me I don’t really have a whole lot to say. I am at a complete loss for words and feelings.

I have ridden my emotional rollercoaster for the day and have finally reached ground level where I frankly don’t feel anything. It’s a very interesting place. Full of blank stares and empty answers. I tried to read and I couldn’t do anything but fully immerse myself in the depression the book caused and I don’t want to reenter that stage, seeing as how I just left it. I wanna talk about myself. Yes. I am a very self obsessed person, but hey, if that’s a problem you can go read something else. Now let’s see.

 Where to start?

Hi my name is Ciara. I am a college student struggling to graduate with a degree in secondary education, with a focus in English. I like books and movies and music and taking pictures and singing in the shower and dancing and having eyes on me. I am very afraid of what people think about me. I am worried people won’t like me. Some people tell me I am impossible to not love. But I know that to be untrue. Because a lot of people hate me. I could make a list but I don’t think that should be posted so publicly. Let’s just say it’s a lot. Cause it is. Period.

I grew up with a very loving family. Until about 12 years ago when my mother became an alcoholic and I had to readjust my life to deal with that. She is a very angry drunk, but I love her more than I could put into words. I also respect her so I don’t confront her. It’s not how I was raised. We shouldn’t disrespect our elders… my parents have also been very critical of me my whole life. They expect a lot out of me, and aren’t afraid to tell me when I do wrong. So I will quickly point out my flaws in any circumstance, because that’s how it’s always been.

I am in love.

 With a boy.

A man.

A prince.

Someone who is perfect, and somehow, manages to accept each of my many flaws and uncertainties and embraces them. He seems to love me no matter how many times I interrupt him or tell him he’s wrong or tell him I’m worthless and countless other things that would drive any normal man crazy. He is truly all any girl could desire in a man, and he’s all mine. I can’t get enough.

 I am nearly friendless. People don’t like to stay friends with me. I don’t know why. I guess there is something wrong with me. Who knows? I have a few friends but they don’t like to be around me too much. Does that still make them my friends? Or are we just close acquaintances? Once again, who knows?

                I do know that my fingers are beginning to ache and I haven’t even begun to place a dent in the need I have to talk. I truly just want to talk to someone write now and there is no one who wants to talk to me. It’s sad. But this is how my life tends to work out. O well.

XoXo

I hate this...

I can't do it anymore... I can't pretend it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't know how to keep fighting against all the blows that seem to want to tear me apart.

If it's not one thing it's another... I just don't know how to keep doing it...

I feel bad for my boyfriend. My boyfriend who I love more than the world and want nothing more than to spend the entirety of my life with... I feel bad for him for wanting me back... Because he has to date the girl who can't go out. Who can't go on dates or hang out with out having to lie. The girl who has to be home everyday by 10 or else the world comes crashing down. I'm fucking 19 years old and I still ask permission and except it when they say no. What the hell? Why is what I do not good enough to warrent me having the freedoms I deserve god damnit!
But you know what... I do get those freedoms. They are just ripped away from me when my parents decide they don't want me to have it anymore...

So... I just give up. I'm done playing. Belly up or teeth out. Either way this game is gonna end.

You can try to stop the seasons baby but you know you never will.

Let's talk about Maturity!

Hahahahaha

So plan and simple you just made my day.

You have inadvertently proved everything I have said about you in these past few days and I think that is utterly hilarious. No I wasn't trash talking you I was simply observing that you are in no way the person you led me to believe you were.

Man I love it.

Simply because I love being right. Don't try to fill my head with your nonsense about wanting to be friends, missing me around and all the other crap. You dug your grave so lay in it. You cheated so deal with it. Honestly people should find out. You asked me not to tell and by that asked me to give you a decency you don't deserve.

Honestly more than anything I hope you learn to grow up from this. Pressing delete online and giving me shit at work isn't going to make me go away. You're going to have to see me and realize that your morals truly meant nothing and you're no better than the rest of us. It's time to look in the mirror hun. Look at the way you treat the world and know that even though I put up with it and other people put up with it for a short time, that time is coming to an end. People don't like jerks and know-it-alls and that my dear is exactly what you put yourself out there to be.

Enjoy your day!

XoXo
Ciara 

99 Problems

Do I sound crazy to you?!

Giddy feelings bubbling inside
cant get enough
screw trying to hide.
Love the way you make me feel,
the goosebumps,
and smiles,
the blushes
and chills.
Like a little child
set free to play,
tomorrow my dear,
will be our day.
To run and jump,
and play and scream,
to do all we want
and everything in between.
We'll conquer the world,
just me and you
and we'll do all those things that lovers do.
We can fight the dragon
or just play pretend,
after all our time together will never end.
still counting the seconds til you are all mine,
and trying so hard
to fast forward time.