Its that feeling where you feel so helpless in terms of everything in the world around you. Like no matter what changes, you know you didn't cause it and you're not to thank.
It isn't a feeling I enjoy. I hate it. There is nothing in the world I can do about it.
Utilitarianism states that the goal of the life and the world is to lead a life with more pleasure than pain. Yet to feel and understand what that pleasure is, you have to have known pain. And here's the kicker... The more pleasure you know, the worse your pains become. It gets to a point where you're climbing a mountain. You're building up these anticipated highs and climbing more and more, unwilling to stop the steep voyage you're on... You hit the peak. It's beautiful. Breath-taking. Then you start to trip. Something you let in, let crawl under your flesh and rot, forgotten and under estimated, has finally started to surface... And then you're rolling down that mountain, seemingly hitting every bush, twig and rock on the way down. But for some reason the fall takes longer than the climb. Allow me to crudely demonstrate
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Well I am now on the downward part of this cycle... My highs have been so fantastic, nd I just realized what my festering wound has been....
I'm helpless. To myself and those I love... I can't help Tim feel better about not being at his grandma's side when she passed this morning, let alone about her passing. I can't make my boyfriend feel better like his friends do... I can't make my mom stop drinking, I can't make my ex not hate me. I can't make my best friend break up with her crap excuse for a boyfriend, I can't help another friend fight through her relationship... I can't help anyone....
Not even those I want to help more than anything....
So why keep trying to help?
Bye,
Ciara
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