2011 in rewind

I read once somewhere, that its hardest to write when you’re happy, but when you're upset or on the negative side of emotions words flow out like a water fall. I guess I believe that now. I never realized how good my life had been up until recently. These past few months have honestly been some of the best I can remember. As a result of that I guess, I haven’t written anything in what feels like forever. I won’t lie; I’ve missed the feeling of the keys under my fingers and the ease of which I can release my words and emotions. I can come unbridled and let the world know how I feel.  

This year has truly been a rollercoaster for me… one that has had so many ups, downs, twists and turns that frankly I’m surprised I made it out in one piece. I’ve met people I thought would be in my life forever and lost them, I’ve met people who I thought were temporary fixes and found them to be the best of friends; and then there are the people that I knew before that reappeared and the ones who disappeared. This has really been a year for meeting people, people that have honestly changed my life. I’m thankful, for they have changed me for the better and made me who I am meant to be.

The events that have rocked my small world too… its so much to take in when you think about it in one setting. I started trying to grow up this year, started trying to state my independence. I haven’t done too good a job with it yet, but something’s gotta give sooner or later right?

I’m honestly lost,

Wondering where I should be

And what I should do.

Unable to make the right choice

Ignorant to what is wrong.

Falling down the deepest hole

Plunging into the deepest well.

Losing track of time and depth

Forgetting everything and everyone.

Waiting for the ceiling to come rushing up to me,

The ground to be waiting below.

The key hole to swallow me whole

And the rabbit to rush me away…

Have a happy New Year

You don't know me...

All I want to do is write. I just want to pour my soul onto a page and not feel any guilt about it. But there are 2 main problems with that.

Number one is that I will of course feel guilt because I am almost positive you will try and stomach the whole thing.

Number two is that despite the storms raging inside me I don’t really have a whole lot to say. I am at a complete loss for words and feelings.

I have ridden my emotional rollercoaster for the day and have finally reached ground level where I frankly don’t feel anything. It’s a very interesting place. Full of blank stares and empty answers. I tried to read and I couldn’t do anything but fully immerse myself in the depression the book caused and I don’t want to reenter that stage, seeing as how I just left it. I wanna talk about myself. Yes. I am a very self obsessed person, but hey, if that’s a problem you can go read something else. Now let’s see.

 Where to start?

Hi my name is Ciara. I am a college student struggling to graduate with a degree in secondary education, with a focus in English. I like books and movies and music and taking pictures and singing in the shower and dancing and having eyes on me. I am very afraid of what people think about me. I am worried people won’t like me. Some people tell me I am impossible to not love. But I know that to be untrue. Because a lot of people hate me. I could make a list but I don’t think that should be posted so publicly. Let’s just say it’s a lot. Cause it is. Period.

I grew up with a very loving family. Until about 12 years ago when my mother became an alcoholic and I had to readjust my life to deal with that. She is a very angry drunk, but I love her more than I could put into words. I also respect her so I don’t confront her. It’s not how I was raised. We shouldn’t disrespect our elders… my parents have also been very critical of me my whole life. They expect a lot out of me, and aren’t afraid to tell me when I do wrong. So I will quickly point out my flaws in any circumstance, because that’s how it’s always been.

I am in love.

 With a boy.

A man.

A prince.

Someone who is perfect, and somehow, manages to accept each of my many flaws and uncertainties and embraces them. He seems to love me no matter how many times I interrupt him or tell him he’s wrong or tell him I’m worthless and countless other things that would drive any normal man crazy. He is truly all any girl could desire in a man, and he’s all mine. I can’t get enough.

 I am nearly friendless. People don’t like to stay friends with me. I don’t know why. I guess there is something wrong with me. Who knows? I have a few friends but they don’t like to be around me too much. Does that still make them my friends? Or are we just close acquaintances? Once again, who knows?

                I do know that my fingers are beginning to ache and I haven’t even begun to place a dent in the need I have to talk. I truly just want to talk to someone write now and there is no one who wants to talk to me. It’s sad. But this is how my life tends to work out. O well.

XoXo

Sowry...

So it has been a long time since I’ve had a chance to blog anything… not my fault I swear. I’ve been working way to many hours and sleeping even fewer… unless you count the fact that I fall asleep at 8 in the afternoon noon and then wake up at 2 in the morning. Why do I say 8 in the afternoon? Because stupid Florida summer time means its still light outside at that time!!! UGH!

Plus I had my computer confiscated for stupid reasons.

But that’s a story I don’t really care to tell.

Let’s instead focus on what’s on my mind right now.

I’m feeling insanely restless. Like I wanna do something productive I’m just honestly not sure what it should be…  Maybe work on my room a little bit? Make it all pretty and stuff? Hmm… that might be a little bit more effort than I want to put in… Maybe PLAN the work I wanna do on my room??? That might be a good idea…

                So let’s see…

·         Need bed frame.

·         Need paint…

o   Preferably pink and brown…

·         Need wall art stuff

o   Preferably shelves and basics that can serve to accentuate that other pieces in my room.

·         Need hard cover, pretty copy of Alice in Wonderland

o   Don’t ask

·         Need to go get photos printed at Walgreens

·         Need bigger room lol

But hey, that’s just a start.

So I guess I should get to it… Ew

XoXo