My Idol

People talk so much about who they look up to most in life; how these people shape them into who they are and provide so much motivation in times of strength.

I never really had one of those, simply because I was too stubborn to admit that I needed strength from someone else... But recently I've seen what a hypocritical statement that was, I have always leaned on others for strength, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. But it's time for me to come clean.

I have an idol.
Someone who I think many woman look up to, even if they don't want to admit it.

Marilyn Monroe is my idol.

Now why would I say that some people don't want to admit they idolize her? Let me tell you a little about Marilyn...

Marilyn was orphan and a model turned actress in the mid twentieth century. She stared in many famous films like The Misfits, Some like it hot, and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. She was a sex symbol and proud of it. She was married three times, all of which ended in divorce, and spent some time in a mental institution after he second marriage ended. She was rumored to have been in an affair with JFK, but this was later proved to be a hoax. Marilyn was reported to have suffered from psychotic delirium and sought treatment from multiple doctors (one of whom was the one to find her body). There are many aspects of Marilyn that people would not want to associate with themselves, but for me she's like a twin... A little cocky to say this, I am aware.

Marilyn was a big advocate of loving yourself more than anything; that being a woman was the best thing in the world, because we have all the power, even if the men don't know it. When looking at her life and the way she felt, I find myself whispering her mantras to myself. She dealt with her own illnesses with a strength and grace that really should be admired. She was beautiful and curvy and loved her body. She always had a smile on her face, and if she can do it, so can I.

Someone told me once (before having been corrected about the affair between JFK and Marilyn) that they would rather be a Jackie, having the seat of power and being the public face of a relationship, than be a Marilyn, having the emotional bond and sexual bond that comes from an affair of the heart. It may be bad to say, but I would rather be a Marilyn.

 

2011 in rewind

I read once somewhere, that its hardest to write when you’re happy, but when you're upset or on the negative side of emotions words flow out like a water fall. I guess I believe that now. I never realized how good my life had been up until recently. These past few months have honestly been some of the best I can remember. As a result of that I guess, I haven’t written anything in what feels like forever. I won’t lie; I’ve missed the feeling of the keys under my fingers and the ease of which I can release my words and emotions. I can come unbridled and let the world know how I feel.  

This year has truly been a rollercoaster for me… one that has had so many ups, downs, twists and turns that frankly I’m surprised I made it out in one piece. I’ve met people I thought would be in my life forever and lost them, I’ve met people who I thought were temporary fixes and found them to be the best of friends; and then there are the people that I knew before that reappeared and the ones who disappeared. This has really been a year for meeting people, people that have honestly changed my life. I’m thankful, for they have changed me for the better and made me who I am meant to be.

The events that have rocked my small world too… its so much to take in when you think about it in one setting. I started trying to grow up this year, started trying to state my independence. I haven’t done too good a job with it yet, but something’s gotta give sooner or later right?

I’m honestly lost,

Wondering where I should be

And what I should do.

Unable to make the right choice

Ignorant to what is wrong.

Falling down the deepest hole

Plunging into the deepest well.

Losing track of time and depth

Forgetting everything and everyone.

Waiting for the ceiling to come rushing up to me,

The ground to be waiting below.

The key hole to swallow me whole

And the rabbit to rush me away…

Have a happy New Year

Let's talk about Maturity!

Hahahahaha

So plan and simple you just made my day.

You have inadvertently proved everything I have said about you in these past few days and I think that is utterly hilarious. No I wasn't trash talking you I was simply observing that you are in no way the person you led me to believe you were.

Man I love it.

Simply because I love being right. Don't try to fill my head with your nonsense about wanting to be friends, missing me around and all the other crap. You dug your grave so lay in it. You cheated so deal with it. Honestly people should find out. You asked me not to tell and by that asked me to give you a decency you don't deserve.

Honestly more than anything I hope you learn to grow up from this. Pressing delete online and giving me shit at work isn't going to make me go away. You're going to have to see me and realize that your morals truly meant nothing and you're no better than the rest of us. It's time to look in the mirror hun. Look at the way you treat the world and know that even though I put up with it and other people put up with it for a short time, that time is coming to an end. People don't like jerks and know-it-alls and that my dear is exactly what you put yourself out there to be.

Enjoy your day!

XoXo
Ciara 

Everything happens for a reason

So Nick just dumped me.

No, I'm not sad. At all really. Because the more I think about it, the more it seems like it was the right thing. He didn't make me as happy as I thought he did. I think I was with him as a safety thing. Because I didn't think he would hurt me. But i never truly opened up with him. I couldn't. He wouldn't let me. I remember trying to a few times. In tears. But in all honesty all I got in return was a cold apology. That's not what i want. I wanted him to care and i feel like he never did.

I'm not trying to be bitter to him or resent him. Not one bit. He is truly a great guy. But he's not what I want. And the one thing I truly don't want to have to do is pretend that a guy is right for me. Not anymore. So it stinks that things didn't get as far as I had hoped, but its better it ended before one of us cared more than the other.

So the good thing that comes from this? I can be how ever I want to. I can worry about how I look, rather than what my boyfriend would think. I can write however i want and not wonder what people will assume. I can believe in things like love at first site, cause maybe that can happen. There are so many possibilities that can result from this. So thanks Nick, you've given me back the world.

XoXo

Today is definity my lazy day....

First and foremost, sorry for my complete absence. Been swamped and sleepy, which all in all are not very good things to be in a combined setting...

But I'm here now... which is all that matters. So let's see... I honestly don't remember much from friday... But, I do remember Saturday... and what a day that was. I had to drive out to Gainsville (with my family mind you, which is always grounds for complications) for my little sister's swim meet (further complications). So the day started in the usual way, me getting rushed out of the house, getting in the car, wishing I could be ANYWHERE else and setting out on the road. The drive wasn't that bad, after all, isn't that the exact reason ipods were created? So we finally get there (low and behold an hour early) and the pool is a pretty nice set up. Small water park at the entrance, freaking huge water slide, separate diving pool, and a small shallow pool for those kiddies not quite ready to conquer the 50 yards of infinite torture.
        SO, my family began the ultimate search for shade... Cause i mean, we live in Florida and when the sun comes out, all the SMART non-masochistic Floridans find better ways to avoid the heat rather than just sitting in the sun. But hey, we're a swimming family right? So we get a seat underneath some structural thing that I'm pretty sure was not meant to be sat under, we literally had to climb under bars to get to it, but when it comes to my family I've learned the best technique is to simply let them do what they "think" is best and I get to do the whole, well-you-should-have-asked-me thing, which I get to do a lot. The one thing about this day I forgot to mention was that I was at this sun-baked swim meet in jeans. Please don't ask me about the logic in this, because there simply was none. So after about a half hour of that insane melting sensation, I discovered the magic land of clearance bathing suits. And yes, I, the non-swimmer, got my parents to buy me a suit, because frankly heat stroke is not as romantic as it can be portrayed to be. But after that my day became a continuous journey from my seat to the water park to my seat to the pool to watch Alyssa swim, to my seat and then repeating the whole thing all over again. Fun right?
           So after the swim meet finished, my parents decided they wanted to go see the University. That's fine with me. You see, much to the chagrin of my boyfriend and seemingly all of my friends, I was born and raised a Gator girl. I remember running around as a little girl in Gator uniform, cheering for every game. I even have poorly photographed evidence... Yea... so... We went and walked around the athletic facilities and ooed and ahhed as was appropriate. I saw all kinds of things... The Heisman statues etc. I actually got to go out into the stadium and watch a try out. I mean it was really cool. But the thing is Gainsville is a "college town" as my parents like to say... so the things surrounding the college weren't exactly what I thought they would be. Lots of bars and clubs, all looking pretty sketch, which is a funny word to use around your parents, cause they don't know what it means... But they kept pitching the idea of UF to me... and it wasn't what I grew up dreaming it would be. I mean its hard for me to imagine what our darling Tim Tebow did there for four years. And yes darling. But no... I'm not one of those girls that is a fan of the Gators because of Tebow and what he did for them. And no, I'm not a fan of Tebow because he's super Christian and attractive. I actually think he's a little baby faced for me... Just saying. But there is something in Tebow I liked when he played for us. Maybe it was the pure way he played, how football was his world. The devotion and passion he put into his sport. He showed characteristics in the sport that I wish more athletes, hell more people in general, showed. But let me insert a few pix from the journey... 

Yea, that's him....

Those poor fools don't seem to have a chance :P

This deserves to be really big... just saying....

 

 

So back to my day... Finished at UF and went to Pizza Hut... and may I say that I am thoroughly sick of pizza.
But that was pretty much my Saturday in a nut shell.

But I finally remember Friday. I feel silly for forgetting. I went to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie with my little sister. All in all a good movie... Except that they didnt tell you what happened with the Priest and the mermaid... That really bugged me... But hey, I guess it can me a 100% perfect movie can it?

That night I went to dinner with Nick. PF Changs. Yum as always. And my boyfriend? Amazing as always. Its hard to screw up a night (even for a ditz like me) when you've got a guy like this. He finds humor and adorableness in almost everything I do... I say almost because well... I don't doubt that I have those moments where he secretly wants to strangle me!

But I have found a major purpose to this blog. Have you ever looked at yourself and thought... "Man what happened to me?" I do. And no, I'm not one of those people that goes on and on about how fat I am... I just remember how in shape I used to be. So I want to get back into that shape. This blog will serve not only as my personal outlet for the world, but as my motivational stance. So.... I'm gonna go shave my legs, throw on a suit and begin my trek into the world of hardcore working out. Wish me luck!


XoXo