Burns

I have watched a fire burn so brightly the colors around it turned black.
I have watched the colors of shadows grow and brighten,
encompassing all around them,
as the flames soared higher and higher over me.
                            I could not resist the urge to reach my fingers out…
                                              I knew the pain would come,
                                 as my skin heated over the heat and passion.
The flame burned with a lust that rivaled any I had seen;
It caused in me a desire so strong tears were brought to my eyes.
               But still I reached outwards for it…
                            Longed for that flame to fill my core.
There is a fascination that comes with this kind of longing,
a curiosity of how one can come to own and control it…
I held my own elements,
it wasn’t that I was alone.
The ice that surrounded my heart was given to me,
and I had never before wanted to melt it away…
Yet this fire held my eyes and made me hungry,
made me crave its tongue against my skin.



I did it.
                                                    I touched the flame.
Toying with it for so long only made my soul hotter and hotter.
I did not know that things like this were possible…
The gift of ice was all but forgotten,
no longer cool and solid…
it was cold and hard.
I wanted to shed the ice and embrace the fire…
I did it.
I burned myself and loved it.
                One touch did nothing for me.
I stepped fully into the fire and felt its heat tear apart my skin,
the blisters and burns barely a thought in my mind.
                                    I must own this fire.
                 
                                                                         I must control this fire.
And I did it.
       But you cannot control a flame…
The flame fades to a spark…
        No one wins.
My fire is gone now…
I think I killed it.
But all a fire needs to do is breathe,
it needs air to light it’s spark again.
The burns I have suffered leave their tell-tale marks on my skin,
                            red,
                                             flushed,
                                                                             but growing colder
and colder.
I want the fire to rage.
I want to step into it once more,
be hypnotized by its passion
and have it control me the way fire should.
Not to own me,
but to burn with me.

Doesn't get much better than this...

This is going to be a short post.

I am very sick. I have been bed ridden for the past 24 hours, thanks to bad food i guess. I also got into a huge fight with my best friend that has left me sincerely wounded. Of course everything has been patched up... or at least it has on a superficial level.

We'll see I guess. I'll try and write more as I get the strength, but for now its off to the shower to get ready for work.

XoXo

Try not to think about it

Have you ever heard the expression "Just bite the bullet"?
Well that would be what I'm going through right now. There's alot on my mind, and I feel like I need to keep it all to me... But I know that would be a bad idea, because when I keep things to myself they tend to EXPLODE in my face. Not pretty.

But the thing is, I don't know who to talk to... I mean, there's Nick, but my problems could essentially cause problems between me and him, just because there is so many of them and they would definitely bog him down. Plus the fact that he seems to be such a worry free person, which doesn't help when you need someone to give you advice.... There's Garrett, my bestie from work... But I'm not sure how he would react to my problems, let alone help me fix them...

I'm just at an odds of what to do.

One thing though is I feel like a lot of things are falling apart around me. Things I really care about. Friendships, relationships, family ties. I'm not sure what to do about them. I know it's not my business, but I hate to see these people hurting, and I want to help. How do you help without prying? Is it even possible?

I'm supposed to go on a date with Nick today. I'm really hoping that some long over due time with him can help bring a smile back to my face...
We shall see.

XoXo

I mean what else do you do when you're sad?

So I'm back.
I know, it feels like I've been gone for ever.

But my day seemed to take a simple spiral downward. And I needed to vent.
I say a simple spiral but really, its like a void. I huge void. To understand this, there are a few things that need to be explained. Namely my priorities in life. You see there are a few things that are really important to me. I shall list them and explain them.

1. My niece Maddison.
2. My dog Bailey.
3. The people who love me.
4. My relationship with my boyfriend, Nick.
5. My school work.
6. My job.
7. Everything else

I know that some of these seem a little out of order to some people, but that's ok, cause this is my list, and it should be expected that it's different from yours. But let me explain each one. This should give you a little insight about me.

Maddi

       My niece's name is Maddison, but we call her Maddi. She's a blonde haired blue eyed 3 yr old angel. No one can make me smile like she does. 

        Bailey is my little puppy. Well she's actually like 4 or so. She was my sister in law's dog, but when Maddi was born she started getting jealous, so she was given to me. This dog is a fatty and I love her tons!
        Of course the people that love me are high on this list. Because I am the kind of person that loves with all I have. If I care about you, you know I am your rock and you can count on me for anything. But more often than not that strong sense of love isn't returned. So, when someone loves me in return the connection I feel with that person is incredible.

Me and Nick

        Next is my boyfriend Nick. We've been together for 3 months. Our anniversary is March 5th. This guy is amazing. He's funny, sweet, kind, giving.. everything you want in a guy I have in this man. My man. I can't get enough of him.
       My next step right now is my school work. I'm taking the summer off right now, so its not that important currently. BUT, I'm studying to become a highschool English teacher and then maybe go into teaching on a college level. Right now I'm in school majoring i education.
      My Job? Well I work at my university's pool. I'm a life guard and a swim instructor. In both cases I love my job. Wholeheartedly. Its so nice to go to work and enjoy what you do, and I think most college students don't have that same luck with jobs. You'll probably hear alot about work through out this blog.
     And then there's everything else. Cause I'm too lazy too list them.

So...  back to my current problem.
     Maddi, my niece, is moving to Alaska. Yea that's right. Alaska. My brother is coast guard and he and his family is being relocated to Alaska from Key West. So they are taking this epicly long adventure drive to get there. They stopped by our house for two days and left Monday to continue on. Well saying good bye to her had to be one of the hardest things I've done. And it didn't get any easier when she kept telling me "Titi, get in the truck" and "Titi, see you tomorrow". It was impossible. So I was home alone yesterday and the house was so empty without her happy hyper foot steps up and down the stairs. It was killing me. So I thought I'd talk to my boyfriend. But a few days ago a friend of his passed. Nick just wanted to be left alone. Ok, I thought, I can do that, I mean I was gonna go to the pool and he was gonna be working. So I could see him there. Well when I got there I found him smiling and laughing. So I thought he'd come see him when he came outside. And he came outside, and acted like I wasn't there. I felt my heart drop. I wanted to cry all over again. Not only was I left alone from Maddi being gone, but the one person whose arms I wanted to collapse into didn't want to see me.

So that' where I am. That's my sad day. Maybe it'll get better tonight. I'll let you know.

XoXo