Hey It's been awhile...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I wrote... things have just been crazy to a point where I haven't given it much thought at all. Not on purpose that is... But anyway, I guess I should fill out a little of what has been happening...


Let me see...

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Its been a crazy ride; one that I never thought was possible, if we're being honest. It's not that I don't think he isn't everything I want, or that I don't love him to the ends of the earth; its simply that I doubted I could stay in a relationship without self destructing things. I have that crazy way of making the world blow up in my face. But things have been a lot better.

I have been working really hard, not to fix myself, but to become a better me. I grew to a point where this depression and anxiety was really ruining my life. I couldn't take what it was putting me through, so I took whatever steps I needed to so that I could fix it. I think that it really has made a difference in my life. Garrett and I have been pushed to our limits by this depression and I doubt that we would still be together if I hadn't made the effort to change myself.

I can honestly say that I feel happy more now than I feel depressed. Its a new life style for me. I often find myself restless and awkward because I don't know how to function without that sadness hovering over me. I have more energy than I am used to and a desire to make friends. It's odd if you ask me. But apparently this is the right state of mind, so I'm not questioning it. I sometimes worry that these changes are going to make me lose track of who I am. I'm not sure if this is simply based off a dependency on the depression or if I am truly missing the loner figure that I used to be. The unknown has always scared me and this is truly no exception. I'm terrified of what could happen if I suddenly decide that this isn't what I want.

I guess that is part of the problem. I fear the what-ifs that are everywhere in the world. There is no way of me being able to predict the future and I hate that. I hate not having that control over the events in my life. I find myself constantly thinking what-if this happens or what-if that happens, and no matter how many times I tell myself not to think of life that way I seem to be stuck in that mental state. It just drives me crazy. I guess its true what they say... we are truly our worst critic and enemy.

 Control
I constantly fear the unknown,
Can't seem to let the world lead.
I fight at every given turn,
I try to ignore all my own needs.
I wish upon stars and moons and lights,
Begging the freedom of the night.
Wishing that I could just let it go,
Let my life be wild like the wind and the sea.
I know it won't happen,
I know it can't be,
I can't seem to let go of me.
I fight with every bit of my strength,
To control the world,
Like the fish in a tank.
I wanna be God,
But only to me,
The master of my fate,
Of my Destiny.

I mean what else do you do when you're sad?

So I'm back.
I know, it feels like I've been gone for ever.

But my day seemed to take a simple spiral downward. And I needed to vent.
I say a simple spiral but really, its like a void. I huge void. To understand this, there are a few things that need to be explained. Namely my priorities in life. You see there are a few things that are really important to me. I shall list them and explain them.

1. My niece Maddison.
2. My dog Bailey.
3. The people who love me.
4. My relationship with my boyfriend, Nick.
5. My school work.
6. My job.
7. Everything else

I know that some of these seem a little out of order to some people, but that's ok, cause this is my list, and it should be expected that it's different from yours. But let me explain each one. This should give you a little insight about me.

Maddi

       My niece's name is Maddison, but we call her Maddi. She's a blonde haired blue eyed 3 yr old angel. No one can make me smile like she does. 

        Bailey is my little puppy. Well she's actually like 4 or so. She was my sister in law's dog, but when Maddi was born she started getting jealous, so she was given to me. This dog is a fatty and I love her tons!
        Of course the people that love me are high on this list. Because I am the kind of person that loves with all I have. If I care about you, you know I am your rock and you can count on me for anything. But more often than not that strong sense of love isn't returned. So, when someone loves me in return the connection I feel with that person is incredible.

Me and Nick

        Next is my boyfriend Nick. We've been together for 3 months. Our anniversary is March 5th. This guy is amazing. He's funny, sweet, kind, giving.. everything you want in a guy I have in this man. My man. I can't get enough of him.
       My next step right now is my school work. I'm taking the summer off right now, so its not that important currently. BUT, I'm studying to become a highschool English teacher and then maybe go into teaching on a college level. Right now I'm in school majoring i education.
      My Job? Well I work at my university's pool. I'm a life guard and a swim instructor. In both cases I love my job. Wholeheartedly. Its so nice to go to work and enjoy what you do, and I think most college students don't have that same luck with jobs. You'll probably hear alot about work through out this blog.
     And then there's everything else. Cause I'm too lazy too list them.

So...  back to my current problem.
     Maddi, my niece, is moving to Alaska. Yea that's right. Alaska. My brother is coast guard and he and his family is being relocated to Alaska from Key West. So they are taking this epicly long adventure drive to get there. They stopped by our house for two days and left Monday to continue on. Well saying good bye to her had to be one of the hardest things I've done. And it didn't get any easier when she kept telling me "Titi, get in the truck" and "Titi, see you tomorrow". It was impossible. So I was home alone yesterday and the house was so empty without her happy hyper foot steps up and down the stairs. It was killing me. So I thought I'd talk to my boyfriend. But a few days ago a friend of his passed. Nick just wanted to be left alone. Ok, I thought, I can do that, I mean I was gonna go to the pool and he was gonna be working. So I could see him there. Well when I got there I found him smiling and laughing. So I thought he'd come see him when he came outside. And he came outside, and acted like I wasn't there. I felt my heart drop. I wanted to cry all over again. Not only was I left alone from Maddi being gone, but the one person whose arms I wanted to collapse into didn't want to see me.

So that' where I am. That's my sad day. Maybe it'll get better tonight. I'll let you know.

XoXo