My Idol

People talk so much about who they look up to most in life; how these people shape them into who they are and provide so much motivation in times of strength.

I never really had one of those, simply because I was too stubborn to admit that I needed strength from someone else... But recently I've seen what a hypocritical statement that was, I have always leaned on others for strength, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. But it's time for me to come clean.

I have an idol.
Someone who I think many woman look up to, even if they don't want to admit it.

Marilyn Monroe is my idol.

Now why would I say that some people don't want to admit they idolize her? Let me tell you a little about Marilyn...

Marilyn was orphan and a model turned actress in the mid twentieth century. She stared in many famous films like The Misfits, Some like it hot, and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. She was a sex symbol and proud of it. She was married three times, all of which ended in divorce, and spent some time in a mental institution after he second marriage ended. She was rumored to have been in an affair with JFK, but this was later proved to be a hoax. Marilyn was reported to have suffered from psychotic delirium and sought treatment from multiple doctors (one of whom was the one to find her body). There are many aspects of Marilyn that people would not want to associate with themselves, but for me she's like a twin... A little cocky to say this, I am aware.

Marilyn was a big advocate of loving yourself more than anything; that being a woman was the best thing in the world, because we have all the power, even if the men don't know it. When looking at her life and the way she felt, I find myself whispering her mantras to myself. She dealt with her own illnesses with a strength and grace that really should be admired. She was beautiful and curvy and loved her body. She always had a smile on her face, and if she can do it, so can I.

Someone told me once (before having been corrected about the affair between JFK and Marilyn) that they would rather be a Jackie, having the seat of power and being the public face of a relationship, than be a Marilyn, having the emotional bond and sexual bond that comes from an affair of the heart. It may be bad to say, but I would rather be a Marilyn.

 

How I learned about sex?

            Growing up I was a very sheltered child. My parents kept everything from me and me from everything. No sleep overs, no parties, no hanging out with friends. This of course led me to an extreme naivety, or even ignorance. I still to this day have no idea what the birds and the bees are. While others little girls were talking with their moms about their first menstrual cycle and about where babies came from, I was given an American Girl book, and left to figure it out on my own. At some point in my young life (around the third grade) people started talking about it during recess, on the playground. Well since I knew so little about it I was tuned on all frequencies. I wanted to know what I didn’t know and be smart like all of my friends. The things I learned at that age… I think I must have also been very gullible.

            One of the first descriptions I heard was about a hot dog and a bun. It was simple and made since to me at the time, because at that age the anatomy of girls and boys was far from my mind. I remember when I was told about this a very good friend of mine had pulled me away from everyone else that we were playing with, and sat with me on the swings far away from all the other kids. She told me that she wanted me to be up to date on the knowledge of life, and didn’t like that I didn’t know something everyone else did. I accepted this quickly and was one step short of grabbing pen and paper. It seemed like a note taking opportunity. Needless to say I learned differently as I grew up. I can’t pin point the exact moment that my knowledge changed, even though I do remember going over the concept in health in both my middle school and high-school years. But even when I learned about the differences I still clung to some of my childish ideals about sex; for example I didn’t want to “have sex”, I wanted to “make love”. My world was raised around Disney princesses, and that was what I wanted my life to be!

            I guess it would be a little too corny to say we can’t always get what we want, but that’s the truth in my case. When I learned about sex, really learned about what it is and how it works, I lost that childish innocence and that desire for a fairie tale. When I was 15 everything was taken from me. While other girls were gushing over their first times, I was lost in the horror of mine. There were no rainbows and butterflies, fireworks and angel choirs. There was the cold bed of a truck, the pleas for it to stop, and constant reassurance that I would like it. Needless to say I didn’t and felt I never would. Sex no longer was a romantic and beautiful thing to me, it was a dark thing that haunted me and made me feel less than I was. I didn’t sleep around after that, contrary to the belief of my high-school peers, rather it took me a year to share that with someone again, and very few since then. I had difficulty making an emotional connection between the act of sex and the person I was experiencing it with, because even though it lost its value, part of me still wanted a fairie tale.

            I find myself frequently comparing myself to stories I heard as a child. When it comes to my discovery of sex, I find myself in the shoes of the Princess and the Frog, but rather than I be the Princess, I’m the frog. I see it as me having kissed the wrong Prince, only to find out he’s a witch who turns me into a frog, and I had to kiss a few other princes to try and get back to what I truly am. I think I finally found my prince, because sex now has a meaning for me, and I have that emotional connection that part of me has always been yearning for. Of course, I honestly wouldn’t change a thing about how I learned about sex though, because it made me who I am today. Gave me the strength that I have, and the caution I think I need. Learning about sex was more than just the physical aspects; it helped me learn about me.

I hate this...

I can't do it anymore... I can't pretend it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't know how to keep fighting against all the blows that seem to want to tear me apart.

If it's not one thing it's another... I just don't know how to keep doing it...

I feel bad for my boyfriend. My boyfriend who I love more than the world and want nothing more than to spend the entirety of my life with... I feel bad for him for wanting me back... Because he has to date the girl who can't go out. Who can't go on dates or hang out with out having to lie. The girl who has to be home everyday by 10 or else the world comes crashing down. I'm fucking 19 years old and I still ask permission and except it when they say no. What the hell? Why is what I do not good enough to warrent me having the freedoms I deserve god damnit!
But you know what... I do get those freedoms. They are just ripped away from me when my parents decide they don't want me to have it anymore...

So... I just give up. I'm done playing. Belly up or teeth out. Either way this game is gonna end.

You can try to stop the seasons baby but you know you never will.

Everything happens for a reason

So Nick just dumped me.

No, I'm not sad. At all really. Because the more I think about it, the more it seems like it was the right thing. He didn't make me as happy as I thought he did. I think I was with him as a safety thing. Because I didn't think he would hurt me. But i never truly opened up with him. I couldn't. He wouldn't let me. I remember trying to a few times. In tears. But in all honesty all I got in return was a cold apology. That's not what i want. I wanted him to care and i feel like he never did.

I'm not trying to be bitter to him or resent him. Not one bit. He is truly a great guy. But he's not what I want. And the one thing I truly don't want to have to do is pretend that a guy is right for me. Not anymore. So it stinks that things didn't get as far as I had hoped, but its better it ended before one of us cared more than the other.

So the good thing that comes from this? I can be how ever I want to. I can worry about how I look, rather than what my boyfriend would think. I can write however i want and not wonder what people will assume. I can believe in things like love at first site, cause maybe that can happen. There are so many possibilities that can result from this. So thanks Nick, you've given me back the world.

XoXo

Forbidden Night

Amber rays caress my cheeks,
as a burning sun hides away.
Brillant night slowly drowns me,
as black erases everything.

Simple pleasures in the glow of dusk,
such bittersweet emotion.
Gone is the sun which shines for me,
yet here is the moon which sings to me.

For i am myself not when day has reached its peak,
but rather when twilight captures me.
Only then can i strip the mask that i put on everyday,
only in the darkest hour do i ever feel as though its all ok.

So as specks of beauty begin to shine
(truly suns of a different kind),
and as the moon reaches peak,
all around me i feel alive,
and part of everything.

But sorrow follows soon enough,
as the moon is forced to go.
And i just wait,
behind my mask,
for the freedom of The Night.