Burns

I have watched a fire burn so brightly the colors around it turned black.
I have watched the colors of shadows grow and brighten,
encompassing all around them,
as the flames soared higher and higher over me.
                            I could not resist the urge to reach my fingers out…
                                              I knew the pain would come,
                                 as my skin heated over the heat and passion.
The flame burned with a lust that rivaled any I had seen;
It caused in me a desire so strong tears were brought to my eyes.
               But still I reached outwards for it…
                            Longed for that flame to fill my core.
There is a fascination that comes with this kind of longing,
a curiosity of how one can come to own and control it…
I held my own elements,
it wasn’t that I was alone.
The ice that surrounded my heart was given to me,
and I had never before wanted to melt it away…
Yet this fire held my eyes and made me hungry,
made me crave its tongue against my skin.



I did it.
                                                    I touched the flame.
Toying with it for so long only made my soul hotter and hotter.
I did not know that things like this were possible…
The gift of ice was all but forgotten,
no longer cool and solid…
it was cold and hard.
I wanted to shed the ice and embrace the fire…
I did it.
I burned myself and loved it.
                One touch did nothing for me.
I stepped fully into the fire and felt its heat tear apart my skin,
the blisters and burns barely a thought in my mind.
                                    I must own this fire.
                 
                                                                         I must control this fire.
And I did it.
       But you cannot control a flame…
The flame fades to a spark…
        No one wins.
My fire is gone now…
I think I killed it.
But all a fire needs to do is breathe,
it needs air to light it’s spark again.
The burns I have suffered leave their tell-tale marks on my skin,
                            red,
                                             flushed,
                                                                             but growing colder
and colder.
I want the fire to rage.
I want to step into it once more,
be hypnotized by its passion
and have it control me the way fire should.
Not to own me,
but to burn with me.

My Idol

People talk so much about who they look up to most in life; how these people shape them into who they are and provide so much motivation in times of strength.

I never really had one of those, simply because I was too stubborn to admit that I needed strength from someone else... But recently I've seen what a hypocritical statement that was, I have always leaned on others for strength, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. But it's time for me to come clean.

I have an idol.
Someone who I think many woman look up to, even if they don't want to admit it.

Marilyn Monroe is my idol.

Now why would I say that some people don't want to admit they idolize her? Let me tell you a little about Marilyn...

Marilyn was orphan and a model turned actress in the mid twentieth century. She stared in many famous films like The Misfits, Some like it hot, and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. She was a sex symbol and proud of it. She was married three times, all of which ended in divorce, and spent some time in a mental institution after he second marriage ended. She was rumored to have been in an affair with JFK, but this was later proved to be a hoax. Marilyn was reported to have suffered from psychotic delirium and sought treatment from multiple doctors (one of whom was the one to find her body). There are many aspects of Marilyn that people would not want to associate with themselves, but for me she's like a twin... A little cocky to say this, I am aware.

Marilyn was a big advocate of loving yourself more than anything; that being a woman was the best thing in the world, because we have all the power, even if the men don't know it. When looking at her life and the way she felt, I find myself whispering her mantras to myself. She dealt with her own illnesses with a strength and grace that really should be admired. She was beautiful and curvy and loved her body. She always had a smile on her face, and if she can do it, so can I.

Someone told me once (before having been corrected about the affair between JFK and Marilyn) that they would rather be a Jackie, having the seat of power and being the public face of a relationship, than be a Marilyn, having the emotional bond and sexual bond that comes from an affair of the heart. It may be bad to say, but I would rather be a Marilyn.

 

Love, a mythology

Love, a Mythology

Once upon a time,

a long time ago,

a story began

on a land unknown.

Before the light and the dark

began to fight,

before there was the day 

and before there was night,

before there just was

and wasn't a world,

there lived a spark,

who did nothing but twirl.

He had no future,

he had no past.

He simply just was,

and that was that.

But this poor little spark,

all alone in nothing,

began to think 

he was missing something.

But try as he might, 

he just didn't know,

what he was missing 

and which way to go.

The little spark tried and tried as he might,

not even realizing he was creating a light.

This little light grew until suddenly,

the spark, for the first time,

could truly see.

All that was around him 

and near him 

and close,

yet all this was nothing,

but he didn't know. 

His light had created

 the colors we know,

like rainbows around him,

the space seemed to glow.

He liked this a lot,

but it wasn't enough,

cause the spark didn't know,

he was looking for love.

We all need companions,

there's no question of truth,

but what of the spark,

who had nothing

to gain or to lose?

He tried really hard,

to give the light a form,

but try as he might,

it was nothing but warm.

Til suddenly the spark

figured it out,

and knew without question,

 and had no doubt.

He was trying all wrong,

to create a love,

not loving what he had,

and what he was void of.

The little sparked loved

the light like he should,

until a time came the light seemed to grow.

The spark was surprised,

when what should he see,

but another little spark,

glowing bright with glee.

These two little sparks 

embraced without end,

vowing never ever to be lonely again.

The sparks kept getting bigger,

as love grew and grew,

until suddenly

 boom,

they made something new. 

The world was so perfect,

they really were sure,

so many sparks,

and love so pure.

The sparks turned solid,

and the love grew hotter,

and as the world began filling,

 they gave birth to a daughter.

No not a son,

he didn't come first,

it was a girl

destined to be

the mother of the Earth.

This mother was born 

of pure and true love,

and that's all she wants

from somewhere above. 

She wants us to know,

her parents tale,

of how nothing became something,

and lifted the veil.

In everyone one of us

resides a spark,

waiting in patience til love comes along,

freeing it from its lonely existence,

waiting for color to pay a visit.

So never give up

til your spark is a fire,

and always know love

shines brighter and brighter.

I hate this...

I can't do it anymore... I can't pretend it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't know how to keep fighting against all the blows that seem to want to tear me apart.

If it's not one thing it's another... I just don't know how to keep doing it...

I feel bad for my boyfriend. My boyfriend who I love more than the world and want nothing more than to spend the entirety of my life with... I feel bad for him for wanting me back... Because he has to date the girl who can't go out. Who can't go on dates or hang out with out having to lie. The girl who has to be home everyday by 10 or else the world comes crashing down. I'm fucking 19 years old and I still ask permission and except it when they say no. What the hell? Why is what I do not good enough to warrent me having the freedoms I deserve god damnit!
But you know what... I do get those freedoms. They are just ripped away from me when my parents decide they don't want me to have it anymore...

So... I just give up. I'm done playing. Belly up or teeth out. Either way this game is gonna end.

You can try to stop the seasons baby but you know you never will.

Let's talk about Maturity!

Hahahahaha

So plan and simple you just made my day.

You have inadvertently proved everything I have said about you in these past few days and I think that is utterly hilarious. No I wasn't trash talking you I was simply observing that you are in no way the person you led me to believe you were.

Man I love it.

Simply because I love being right. Don't try to fill my head with your nonsense about wanting to be friends, missing me around and all the other crap. You dug your grave so lay in it. You cheated so deal with it. Honestly people should find out. You asked me not to tell and by that asked me to give you a decency you don't deserve.

Honestly more than anything I hope you learn to grow up from this. Pressing delete online and giving me shit at work isn't going to make me go away. You're going to have to see me and realize that your morals truly meant nothing and you're no better than the rest of us. It's time to look in the mirror hun. Look at the way you treat the world and know that even though I put up with it and other people put up with it for a short time, that time is coming to an end. People don't like jerks and know-it-alls and that my dear is exactly what you put yourself out there to be.

Enjoy your day!

XoXo
Ciara 

I can't explain myself because I'm not myself, you see?

                I guess we just have to grin through the bad days don’t we? I mean we all have them… Those days where all you want to do is curl up with someone or something and hide from the big bad world. Well this was it for me.

                 My night last night ended with a fight between me and my parents, and of course when I woke up this morning that was where it started again. But I figured I could get through it… and I was right. Almost immediately the person I really wanted to hear from was there to comfort me. And it honestly made things so much better. But then that person had to go, and the day frankly became kind of dismal. Nothing that was too bad in and of its self, just things that collectively took all my will power to overcome. 

              Like the reason I’m so upset right now… when you need a friend you truly need them, and I frankly couldn’t find one. Things are moving too fast in my life and I feel entirely alone in it. I just want someone to play the sympathy for the devil card, and simply pretend that they understand and care about what’s going on in my world. Is that too much to ask? I mean it shouldn’t because the people I wanna hear from, and that I want to listen to me are the people that call themselves my friends… that’s part of the job description right?

But I guess I should stop being bitter. Feeling the urge to right a little… let’s see where it goes…

Madness

Sometimes,

When I truly desire nothing more,                                                               

   I close my eyes and begin to dream,          

Of simple things,                                                                  

Like crowns and kings.                                

But other times,

When the world gets dark,                                                                                

My mind wanders to worlds unknown,                        

With green skies above and white blades under my toes,                             

Of mushrooms forming everglades.                       

A place where right,

Is always wrong,                                                                     

And nothing is what it seems.                             

Where never is always,

And despite that,                                                                    

 forever is only now.                                       

Time seems to stop,

The world stands still,                                                                                          

When in walks the man,                                                        

Who’s friends with the girl,                 

Who does nothing more than spin and twirl.                             

But how do you live,

With your head in a mess?                                                                    

With spinning and dancing,                                

And no time to rest?        

But you see, my dear,

That’s not the best of my dreams,                                                         

The best is the part,                                    

Between you and me.         

For together we rule,

And create a forever In this crazy place.                                                    

In the true world,

Outside my mind,                                                                                    

It’s a huge secret what we do with our time.                   

We are not allowed, you see,

To live together as king and queen.                                                                 

We are not allowed to fall in love,                   

And my dear,                     

In my head, we’re free as doves.                                

So I’ll keep dreaming,

Of my impossible world,                                             

And you keep smiling,                       

And call me your girl.