My Idol

People talk so much about who they look up to most in life; how these people shape them into who they are and provide so much motivation in times of strength.

I never really had one of those, simply because I was too stubborn to admit that I needed strength from someone else... But recently I've seen what a hypocritical statement that was, I have always leaned on others for strength, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. But it's time for me to come clean.

I have an idol.
Someone who I think many woman look up to, even if they don't want to admit it.

Marilyn Monroe is my idol.

Now why would I say that some people don't want to admit they idolize her? Let me tell you a little about Marilyn...

Marilyn was orphan and a model turned actress in the mid twentieth century. She stared in many famous films like The Misfits, Some like it hot, and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. She was a sex symbol and proud of it. She was married three times, all of which ended in divorce, and spent some time in a mental institution after he second marriage ended. She was rumored to have been in an affair with JFK, but this was later proved to be a hoax. Marilyn was reported to have suffered from psychotic delirium and sought treatment from multiple doctors (one of whom was the one to find her body). There are many aspects of Marilyn that people would not want to associate with themselves, but for me she's like a twin... A little cocky to say this, I am aware.

Marilyn was a big advocate of loving yourself more than anything; that being a woman was the best thing in the world, because we have all the power, even if the men don't know it. When looking at her life and the way she felt, I find myself whispering her mantras to myself. She dealt with her own illnesses with a strength and grace that really should be admired. She was beautiful and curvy and loved her body. She always had a smile on her face, and if she can do it, so can I.

Someone told me once (before having been corrected about the affair between JFK and Marilyn) that they would rather be a Jackie, having the seat of power and being the public face of a relationship, than be a Marilyn, having the emotional bond and sexual bond that comes from an affair of the heart. It may be bad to say, but I would rather be a Marilyn.

 

Love, a mythology

Love, a Mythology

Once upon a time,

a long time ago,

a story began

on a land unknown.

Before the light and the dark

began to fight,

before there was the day 

and before there was night,

before there just was

and wasn't a world,

there lived a spark,

who did nothing but twirl.

He had no future,

he had no past.

He simply just was,

and that was that.

But this poor little spark,

all alone in nothing,

began to think 

he was missing something.

But try as he might, 

he just didn't know,

what he was missing 

and which way to go.

The little spark tried and tried as he might,

not even realizing he was creating a light.

This little light grew until suddenly,

the spark, for the first time,

could truly see.

All that was around him 

and near him 

and close,

yet all this was nothing,

but he didn't know. 

His light had created

 the colors we know,

like rainbows around him,

the space seemed to glow.

He liked this a lot,

but it wasn't enough,

cause the spark didn't know,

he was looking for love.

We all need companions,

there's no question of truth,

but what of the spark,

who had nothing

to gain or to lose?

He tried really hard,

to give the light a form,

but try as he might,

it was nothing but warm.

Til suddenly the spark

figured it out,

and knew without question,

 and had no doubt.

He was trying all wrong,

to create a love,

not loving what he had,

and what he was void of.

The little sparked loved

the light like he should,

until a time came the light seemed to grow.

The spark was surprised,

when what should he see,

but another little spark,

glowing bright with glee.

These two little sparks 

embraced without end,

vowing never ever to be lonely again.

The sparks kept getting bigger,

as love grew and grew,

until suddenly

 boom,

they made something new. 

The world was so perfect,

they really were sure,

so many sparks,

and love so pure.

The sparks turned solid,

and the love grew hotter,

and as the world began filling,

 they gave birth to a daughter.

No not a son,

he didn't come first,

it was a girl

destined to be

the mother of the Earth.

This mother was born 

of pure and true love,

and that's all she wants

from somewhere above. 

She wants us to know,

her parents tale,

of how nothing became something,

and lifted the veil.

In everyone one of us

resides a spark,

waiting in patience til love comes along,

freeing it from its lonely existence,

waiting for color to pay a visit.

So never give up

til your spark is a fire,

and always know love

shines brighter and brighter.

Hey It's been awhile...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I wrote... things have just been crazy to a point where I haven't given it much thought at all. Not on purpose that is... But anyway, I guess I should fill out a little of what has been happening...


Let me see...

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Its been a crazy ride; one that I never thought was possible, if we're being honest. It's not that I don't think he isn't everything I want, or that I don't love him to the ends of the earth; its simply that I doubted I could stay in a relationship without self destructing things. I have that crazy way of making the world blow up in my face. But things have been a lot better.

I have been working really hard, not to fix myself, but to become a better me. I grew to a point where this depression and anxiety was really ruining my life. I couldn't take what it was putting me through, so I took whatever steps I needed to so that I could fix it. I think that it really has made a difference in my life. Garrett and I have been pushed to our limits by this depression and I doubt that we would still be together if I hadn't made the effort to change myself.

I can honestly say that I feel happy more now than I feel depressed. Its a new life style for me. I often find myself restless and awkward because I don't know how to function without that sadness hovering over me. I have more energy than I am used to and a desire to make friends. It's odd if you ask me. But apparently this is the right state of mind, so I'm not questioning it. I sometimes worry that these changes are going to make me lose track of who I am. I'm not sure if this is simply based off a dependency on the depression or if I am truly missing the loner figure that I used to be. The unknown has always scared me and this is truly no exception. I'm terrified of what could happen if I suddenly decide that this isn't what I want.

I guess that is part of the problem. I fear the what-ifs that are everywhere in the world. There is no way of me being able to predict the future and I hate that. I hate not having that control over the events in my life. I find myself constantly thinking what-if this happens or what-if that happens, and no matter how many times I tell myself not to think of life that way I seem to be stuck in that mental state. It just drives me crazy. I guess its true what they say... we are truly our worst critic and enemy.

 Control
I constantly fear the unknown,
Can't seem to let the world lead.
I fight at every given turn,
I try to ignore all my own needs.
I wish upon stars and moons and lights,
Begging the freedom of the night.
Wishing that I could just let it go,
Let my life be wild like the wind and the sea.
I know it won't happen,
I know it can't be,
I can't seem to let go of me.
I fight with every bit of my strength,
To control the world,
Like the fish in a tank.
I wanna be God,
But only to me,
The master of my fate,
Of my Destiny.

The way love works

Once upon a time there was a little girl and boy.

The little boy held a bag of the most beautiful marbles, of all shapes and sizes. The little girl held a bag of the sweetest most delectable candies.

The little girl walked up to  the little boy and offered to trade all of her sweets for all of his marbles. He of course agreed.
Quickly though, he turned around and grabbed the most beautiful of all the marbles and put it in his pocket.
Without telling the little girl he handed over his bag of marbles and took the bag of candies.

The little boy felt he had made the best trade. He had a whole new bag of things to enjoy, but kept something from his own bag for himself.  

That night the little girl laid her head to sleep and slept blissfully through the night, not a worry in her head.

The same night the little boy tossed and turned. He began to wonder if the little girl had cheated him out of the best of sweets, just as he did with her and the marbles.

 This is the way love works. When you give all you have you become the little girl who can fall asleep happy and without worry that she is given all the other has, just as she did. When you keep a little of yourself locked away you become the little boy, who is haunted by the possibility the little girl also kept something.