You don't know me...

All I want to do is write. I just want to pour my soul onto a page and not feel any guilt about it. But there are 2 main problems with that.

Number one is that I will of course feel guilt because I am almost positive you will try and stomach the whole thing.

Number two is that despite the storms raging inside me I don’t really have a whole lot to say. I am at a complete loss for words and feelings.

I have ridden my emotional rollercoaster for the day and have finally reached ground level where I frankly don’t feel anything. It’s a very interesting place. Full of blank stares and empty answers. I tried to read and I couldn’t do anything but fully immerse myself in the depression the book caused and I don’t want to reenter that stage, seeing as how I just left it. I wanna talk about myself. Yes. I am a very self obsessed person, but hey, if that’s a problem you can go read something else. Now let’s see.

 Where to start?

Hi my name is Ciara. I am a college student struggling to graduate with a degree in secondary education, with a focus in English. I like books and movies and music and taking pictures and singing in the shower and dancing and having eyes on me. I am very afraid of what people think about me. I am worried people won’t like me. Some people tell me I am impossible to not love. But I know that to be untrue. Because a lot of people hate me. I could make a list but I don’t think that should be posted so publicly. Let’s just say it’s a lot. Cause it is. Period.

I grew up with a very loving family. Until about 12 years ago when my mother became an alcoholic and I had to readjust my life to deal with that. She is a very angry drunk, but I love her more than I could put into words. I also respect her so I don’t confront her. It’s not how I was raised. We shouldn’t disrespect our elders… my parents have also been very critical of me my whole life. They expect a lot out of me, and aren’t afraid to tell me when I do wrong. So I will quickly point out my flaws in any circumstance, because that’s how it’s always been.

I am in love.

 With a boy.

A man.

A prince.

Someone who is perfect, and somehow, manages to accept each of my many flaws and uncertainties and embraces them. He seems to love me no matter how many times I interrupt him or tell him he’s wrong or tell him I’m worthless and countless other things that would drive any normal man crazy. He is truly all any girl could desire in a man, and he’s all mine. I can’t get enough.

 I am nearly friendless. People don’t like to stay friends with me. I don’t know why. I guess there is something wrong with me. Who knows? I have a few friends but they don’t like to be around me too much. Does that still make them my friends? Or are we just close acquaintances? Once again, who knows?

                I do know that my fingers are beginning to ache and I haven’t even begun to place a dent in the need I have to talk. I truly just want to talk to someone write now and there is no one who wants to talk to me. It’s sad. But this is how my life tends to work out. O well.

XoXo

I can't explain myself because I'm not myself, you see?

                I guess we just have to grin through the bad days don’t we? I mean we all have them… Those days where all you want to do is curl up with someone or something and hide from the big bad world. Well this was it for me.

                 My night last night ended with a fight between me and my parents, and of course when I woke up this morning that was where it started again. But I figured I could get through it… and I was right. Almost immediately the person I really wanted to hear from was there to comfort me. And it honestly made things so much better. But then that person had to go, and the day frankly became kind of dismal. Nothing that was too bad in and of its self, just things that collectively took all my will power to overcome. 

              Like the reason I’m so upset right now… when you need a friend you truly need them, and I frankly couldn’t find one. Things are moving too fast in my life and I feel entirely alone in it. I just want someone to play the sympathy for the devil card, and simply pretend that they understand and care about what’s going on in my world. Is that too much to ask? I mean it shouldn’t because the people I wanna hear from, and that I want to listen to me are the people that call themselves my friends… that’s part of the job description right?

But I guess I should stop being bitter. Feeling the urge to right a little… let’s see where it goes…

Madness

Sometimes,

When I truly desire nothing more,                                                               

   I close my eyes and begin to dream,          

Of simple things,                                                                  

Like crowns and kings.                                

But other times,

When the world gets dark,                                                                                

My mind wanders to worlds unknown,                        

With green skies above and white blades under my toes,                             

Of mushrooms forming everglades.                       

A place where right,

Is always wrong,                                                                     

And nothing is what it seems.                             

Where never is always,

And despite that,                                                                    

 forever is only now.                                       

Time seems to stop,

The world stands still,                                                                                          

When in walks the man,                                                        

Who’s friends with the girl,                 

Who does nothing more than spin and twirl.                             

But how do you live,

With your head in a mess?                                                                    

With spinning and dancing,                                

And no time to rest?        

But you see, my dear,

That’s not the best of my dreams,                                                         

The best is the part,                                    

Between you and me.         

For together we rule,

And create a forever In this crazy place.                                                    

In the true world,

Outside my mind,                                                                                    

It’s a huge secret what we do with our time.                   

We are not allowed, you see,

To live together as king and queen.                                                                 

We are not allowed to fall in love,                   

And my dear,                     

In my head, we’re free as doves.                                

So I’ll keep dreaming,

Of my impossible world,                                             

And you keep smiling,                       

And call me your girl.