2011 in rewind

I read once somewhere, that its hardest to write when you’re happy, but when you're upset or on the negative side of emotions words flow out like a water fall. I guess I believe that now. I never realized how good my life had been up until recently. These past few months have honestly been some of the best I can remember. As a result of that I guess, I haven’t written anything in what feels like forever. I won’t lie; I’ve missed the feeling of the keys under my fingers and the ease of which I can release my words and emotions. I can come unbridled and let the world know how I feel.  

This year has truly been a rollercoaster for me… one that has had so many ups, downs, twists and turns that frankly I’m surprised I made it out in one piece. I’ve met people I thought would be in my life forever and lost them, I’ve met people who I thought were temporary fixes and found them to be the best of friends; and then there are the people that I knew before that reappeared and the ones who disappeared. This has really been a year for meeting people, people that have honestly changed my life. I’m thankful, for they have changed me for the better and made me who I am meant to be.

The events that have rocked my small world too… its so much to take in when you think about it in one setting. I started trying to grow up this year, started trying to state my independence. I haven’t done too good a job with it yet, but something’s gotta give sooner or later right?

I’m honestly lost,

Wondering where I should be

And what I should do.

Unable to make the right choice

Ignorant to what is wrong.

Falling down the deepest hole

Plunging into the deepest well.

Losing track of time and depth

Forgetting everything and everyone.

Waiting for the ceiling to come rushing up to me,

The ground to be waiting below.

The key hole to swallow me whole

And the rabbit to rush me away…

Have a happy New Year

Music?

These are the songs that are currently imbedding themselves in my brain.

Stand Still- Look Pretty = The Wreckers
For the love of daughter=  Demi Lovato
Time of Dying= Three days Grace
Pain= Three days grace
Smile= Boys like girls
Skyscraper= Demi Lovato
Zombie= The Pretty Reckless
Miss Nothing= The Pretty Reckless
Pumped up Kicks= Foster the people
Cute without the E= Taking back sunday
Jar of Hearts= Christina Perri

Do you notice a pattern?

For the love of a daughter

Dear Mr and Mrs Viner,

             First and foremost, I bet you're wondering why I didn't write this to mom and dad. The answer to that is simple. You have instilled in me the idea that I am not worthy of being your daughter. I cannot for certain tell you what I do wrong when it comes to this simple namesake, but I know it's true. Second, I need to make it known that I give everything for you. Classes four days a week, work five days a week, money I am not allowed to touch, no social life, resulting in inferior social skills and anxiety. I am home every day at the exact time you want me to be. I walk the dogs. I make you money. I put up with the secrets you tell me to keep, like Mrs Viner's alcohol drawer upstairs, or the packs of cigarettes in Mr Viner's truck. I run your daughter around town every day so that you don't have to. I pretend I don't have scars on my arms because I know that would embarrass you if anyone found out. I have a great average in school because I know that that's all I can give you since I'll never be a star like your other children. I try very hard to make you happy. I know it doesn't seem like it... Cause I never succeed in doing it. I wish I could though. I want to be a great daughter. One that you go to work and tell all your friends about. But I'm not. I'm a dirty little secret in this house. The red headed step child that no one really wants. I'll never be good enough, but it's ok, because you guys have finally gotten me to come to terms with this. I hate myself and my inferiority. I take it out on myself every time I make you unhappy. I have no friends because they can't stand it anymore or because I simply can't see them. But that's ok, because I would probably only let them down to. I tried to kill myself a few days ago. I didn't succeed. Just another thing I wasn't able to do. I know your lives would have been a lot simpler if I had. Hell I'm sure you could've even made some money off of it somehow. That's all that matters right? Just the money. Nd the swimming. The perfection and the way that she's gonna make you money when she becomes famous. I'm sorry I was never good enough for that. I'm sorry I quit and crushed your dreams. I'm sorry the money I make isn't good enough. I'm sorry the grades I make aren't good enough. But I will give you something that I think will truly mean a lot. I'll give you a promise. I promise that very soon you will never have to deal with me again. I will vanish from your life and everything will be perfect. It'll be exactly like I never existed. I know this is the one way I can make you happy. I will give it to you.


Your Disappointment      

Im the kinda girl it aint easy to forget

I think its true. There are some people that come into our lives and don't affect us... but there are others who walk into your life and leave foot prints on your heart. I think I'm one of those. I think i'm someone that can teach you about yourself and about compassion. Teach you to love and to heal. But that's just me reflecting.

Life has been complicated lately. Of course, isnt it always? If life was simple... What would be the point? In all honesty... When my life is complicated i feel like I have some kind of purpose. When everything is going smooth and simple life becomes very mundane and boring. A dry loop that just circles over and over. Well... thats the majority of the time...There are other times that break that loop. The times when i honestly feel like i am unbreakable. When happiness doesnt even begin to describe how i feel. Words cant contain the emotion and images cant capture it. Its an amazing feeling.
Im there right now... and frankly I wouldnt change it for the world.

Disturbia... Am I scaring you tonight?

I cant find words.
Im speechless...
Im sorry

XoXo

If you can't beat them, might as well eat them. No one's gettin' out alive

Im gonna do all the things I swore i never would again. Im going to rock the town and drench it in red. Im gonna make every bit of hurt go away and make it official it will never come back. Im gonna fuck and fight and shake the very core of the world. It's time for me to grow up and i wanna grow up by rebelling out. Watch my wake. 

You don't know me...

All I want to do is write. I just want to pour my soul onto a page and not feel any guilt about it. But there are 2 main problems with that.

Number one is that I will of course feel guilt because I am almost positive you will try and stomach the whole thing.

Number two is that despite the storms raging inside me I don’t really have a whole lot to say. I am at a complete loss for words and feelings.

I have ridden my emotional rollercoaster for the day and have finally reached ground level where I frankly don’t feel anything. It’s a very interesting place. Full of blank stares and empty answers. I tried to read and I couldn’t do anything but fully immerse myself in the depression the book caused and I don’t want to reenter that stage, seeing as how I just left it. I wanna talk about myself. Yes. I am a very self obsessed person, but hey, if that’s a problem you can go read something else. Now let’s see.

 Where to start?

Hi my name is Ciara. I am a college student struggling to graduate with a degree in secondary education, with a focus in English. I like books and movies and music and taking pictures and singing in the shower and dancing and having eyes on me. I am very afraid of what people think about me. I am worried people won’t like me. Some people tell me I am impossible to not love. But I know that to be untrue. Because a lot of people hate me. I could make a list but I don’t think that should be posted so publicly. Let’s just say it’s a lot. Cause it is. Period.

I grew up with a very loving family. Until about 12 years ago when my mother became an alcoholic and I had to readjust my life to deal with that. She is a very angry drunk, but I love her more than I could put into words. I also respect her so I don’t confront her. It’s not how I was raised. We shouldn’t disrespect our elders… my parents have also been very critical of me my whole life. They expect a lot out of me, and aren’t afraid to tell me when I do wrong. So I will quickly point out my flaws in any circumstance, because that’s how it’s always been.

I am in love.

 With a boy.

A man.

A prince.

Someone who is perfect, and somehow, manages to accept each of my many flaws and uncertainties and embraces them. He seems to love me no matter how many times I interrupt him or tell him he’s wrong or tell him I’m worthless and countless other things that would drive any normal man crazy. He is truly all any girl could desire in a man, and he’s all mine. I can’t get enough.

 I am nearly friendless. People don’t like to stay friends with me. I don’t know why. I guess there is something wrong with me. Who knows? I have a few friends but they don’t like to be around me too much. Does that still make them my friends? Or are we just close acquaintances? Once again, who knows?

                I do know that my fingers are beginning to ache and I haven’t even begun to place a dent in the need I have to talk. I truly just want to talk to someone write now and there is no one who wants to talk to me. It’s sad. But this is how my life tends to work out. O well.

XoXo

Read me

It amazes me how jealousy somehow manages to sneak it’s way into me. I don’t look at things and say “God I want that”. No. I look at things nd feel a twinge in my heart because I don’t have that. But see, it’s the things I’m jealous of that make this intresting.

I’m jealous of the pictures. How I don’t have one.

I’m jealous of the drinking. How I can’t do it.

I’m jealous of the parties. How I’ve never been.

I’m jealous of the smoking. How I’m too afraid.

I’m jealous of the families. How much mine hates me.

I’m jealous of the happiness. How I fight for smiles.

I’m jealous of the love. How I feel selfish just for asking.

I’m jealous of the relationships. How everyone gets along.

I’m jealous of the mothers. How normal they are.

I just want to be normal… But I know I never will be. And that’s my biggest envy of all.

Negative me

I am jealous.

Little green monsters run through my head

like little martian soccer teams

back nd forth 

searching for a goal.

Envy is my sin.

I am angry.

Passionate storms rage war in my soul,

leaving everything

torn and broken

scattered all around.

Wrath is my sin

I am lazy.

Idle hands sit by my sides,

painting no master piece,

only flicking my thumbs,

slowly at that.

Sloth is my sin.

I want more. 

Taking all I can hold,

still wanting more,

never good enough

unless I have it all.

Greed is my sin.

I can't stop.

Hungry simply insatiable,
wasting what I don't want,
giving nothing to anyone,
swallowing more than I can chew.

Gluttony is my sin.

I am perfect.

I see no flaw in my design,
Everyone wants to be me
and touch me
I need no improvement.

Pride is my sin.

I desire you.

I want nothing more than to tear you apart,
claim every inch
of the soft skin
taunting me.

Lust is my sin.

The way love works

Once upon a time there was a little girl and boy.

The little boy held a bag of the most beautiful marbles, of all shapes and sizes. The little girl held a bag of the sweetest most delectable candies.

The little girl walked up to  the little boy and offered to trade all of her sweets for all of his marbles. He of course agreed.
Quickly though, he turned around and grabbed the most beautiful of all the marbles and put it in his pocket.
Without telling the little girl he handed over his bag of marbles and took the bag of candies.

The little boy felt he had made the best trade. He had a whole new bag of things to enjoy, but kept something from his own bag for himself.  

That night the little girl laid her head to sleep and slept blissfully through the night, not a worry in her head.

The same night the little boy tossed and turned. He began to wonder if the little girl had cheated him out of the best of sweets, just as he did with her and the marbles.

 This is the way love works. When you give all you have you become the little girl who can fall asleep happy and without worry that she is given all the other has, just as she did. When you keep a little of yourself locked away you become the little boy, who is haunted by the possibility the little girl also kept something.

The Simplest of Pleasures

So lost in a world of nows and nevers,
of forgotten promises
and broken hearts.
Wishing rather to dive into a world of make believe,
fairie tales
and always and forver.
Much is the loss
of our innocence.
More is the fight
as we attempt
to gain something worth promising.
Come with me
into a land of make believe,
where nothing is what it seems
and everything is what it could be.
Where the grass is never greener,
cause its never not.
Where always is never
and never is impossible.
Where hearts don't break,
and people can sing.
So tell me
my love
will you come with me?

Lovers lost in love's loving emabrace

Eternity

Cool,
clear,
crisp,
Midnight as the moon rises.
Rare,
flitting,
moments,
Love as bodies mingle.
Harsh,
fast,
shallow,
Breath as mouths part.
Shy,
whisper,
longing,
Heart as fingers trace.

For love is what you make it,
A touch,
A kiss,
A word.
For all who chose to use it
A girl,
A boy,
Together,
Forever can they make it.

Just another Manic Monday...

First and foremost, yes I know it is no longer Monday. O well.
Monday was stressful, thus why I waited until 7 o'clock in the morning to post.

So yea... No biggy.
I feel like this post could be told much like the tale of Alexander's No Good, Very Bad Day.

Meaning I could say, Monday was a bad day because blank, then blank THEN BLANK!!! But I can't do that. What I can do is say that I still have some work to do on my ability to not care about people's opinions. You can't win them all can you? I feel like I need to come to complete terms with that idea, then I will finally be able to mature past the way I let myself sink into a funk every time someone isn't happy with me.

I'm gonna do it...

So on a new subject, I really like metaphors and cruel ironies. I know that that's kind of a morbid thing to say, but today's writings really are a bit morbid.


Savage Desire

He couldn't get her off his mind,
she only seemed to haunt him.
The shadow of his recent past,
the dark never to be forgotten.

Every morning she's all he sees,
as he attempts to start again.
He wants nothing more than to reach for her,
for them to be more than friends.
He knows she isn't good for him,
that he should walk away.

But he'll never learn to live her down,
all he deserves is the pain she brings,
the thrill as she breaks skin.
He craves the rush,
he craves the thrill,
he wants her one more time.

There she sits.
Catching his eye.
Metal shining in the florescent dungeon.
It wouldn't take much to merge with her,
to take all she had to give.
All he can feel is the ice cold flood,
as he steals all that there is.  

Irony

Screaming words of ill fate 

for love,

Fighting wars for peace,

Staying up all night long,

trying to fall asleep. 

Wishing you could go home,

finding that's where you are,

Not wanting to be like everyone,

but trying not to stray far.

Believing you're in love,

with someone who's over you

Finding yourself to be in love,

with your own worst enemy.

Saying you're a rebel,

who fights without a cause,

Falling asleep just before,

you get to see the dawn.

Irony in every turn,

death for every life.

Simple things impossible,

a wrong for every right.

Forks in almost every road,

temptation pulling you astray.

But the irony is,

you don't want to walk away. 

Nowhere 

The silence of a world forgotten,

speaks volumes to those who listen;

Of past mistakes,

and fallen kingdoms,

of beautiful women,

and ravaged lands,

that gave fruit til no more could be beared.

But now our stories have changed light,

Beauty is no longer in the fruitful,

instead we find it in cold hard glass,

metal towers and toy guns.

We feel so little toward out fellow man,

we take and seldom admire.

Songs are sung not merely for the beauty of the lyric and melody,

but to tear down and be cruel.

We need to change our world,

or our own world will not be forgotten.

I fainted.

Stone cold
fall out.

I slammed my head onto the cement block floor and we can only hope I'm ok from that. I was out for awhile tho it literally felt like nothing. I lost my ability to see and speak for 5 min after I regained consciousness.

And the worst part?

I have no one I can talk to about it...
Everyone thinks I'm being over dramatic...

Guess they think I'm calling wolf on this one... O well.
I'm going to bed.

Video Blog?

Whose awesome nd is gonna start adding video to my blog world?!?!?!  ME!!!! Hahaha thank you thank you very much!!!!

I hate this...

I can't do it anymore... I can't pretend it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't know how to keep fighting against all the blows that seem to want to tear me apart.

If it's not one thing it's another... I just don't know how to keep doing it...

I feel bad for my boyfriend. My boyfriend who I love more than the world and want nothing more than to spend the entirety of my life with... I feel bad for him for wanting me back... Because he has to date the girl who can't go out. Who can't go on dates or hang out with out having to lie. The girl who has to be home everyday by 10 or else the world comes crashing down. I'm fucking 19 years old and I still ask permission and except it when they say no. What the hell? Why is what I do not good enough to warrent me having the freedoms I deserve god damnit!
But you know what... I do get those freedoms. They are just ripped away from me when my parents decide they don't want me to have it anymore...

So... I just give up. I'm done playing. Belly up or teeth out. Either way this game is gonna end.

You can try to stop the seasons baby but you know you never will.

I'm ready

Locked up tight
Like I would never feel again
Stuck in some kind of love prison
And threw away the key (Ohh Ohh)

Terrified
Until I stared into your eyes
Made me start to realize
The possibilities (Soo Soo)

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken
I'm gonna say it like it's never been spoken
Tonight Tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go
I'm gonna give it like it's never been taken
I'm gonna fall like I don't need saving
Tonight tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go

So played out
The same lies with a different face
But there's something in the words you say
That makes it feel all so real

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken
I'm gonna say it like it's never been spoken
Tonight Tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go
I'm gonna give it like it's never been taken
I'm gonna fall like I don't need saving
Tonight tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go

No need for me to run, run, run
You makin' me believe in everything
No need to go and hide, hide, hide
Gonna give you every little piece of me

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken...

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken...

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken
I'm gonna say it like it's never been spoken

Tonight Tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go
I'm gonna give it like it's never been taken
I'm gonna fall like I don't need saving
Tonight tonight
I'm letting go,go,go,go

The pit of my stomach

So...
Sometimes things need to be said. They bother us enough that they have to be put out in the open. But when we finally put them out there the dread that fills your stomach is almost unbearable.


I'm not one to stand up for myself, especially against authority. I take what I'm handed and assume it's what I deserve... But that wasn't the case this time... I know that what has happened hasn't warranted this kind of treatment and I really would like it to end... But now that I've taken those steps I'm scared. I wanna pull the words back in and pretend it never happened.

Maybe I should have waited... I'm not ready for this...

Fairie Tales

 I used to believe in fairie tales
(that was how i used to be) 
the perfect prince would always come,
and find his future queen.
I told myself it was make believe,
fairie tales don't exist.
There is no princess and never is there a prince.
But they one day
(around seventeen)
you stood at my door.
Your arms around me told me,
you'd never ask for more.
Then all of those fairie tales,
came rushing back to me,
I cried myself to sleep that night,
(hoping love was real).

But who am I to kid myself,
Life's no fairie tale,
the prince will never find me,
he'll just look somewhere else.
I'm nobody's queen
and I'll never try to be,
the only thing I have in life is simply me.

That graceful Sleeping Beauty,
That luscious Snow White,
a simple kiss woke them both;
saving them from the night.
I remember when I was younger,
every night I would dream,
a kiss would wake me from my sleep,
and upon his noble steed.
He'd race away like thunder,
slipping through the dark.
He's arms around me held me tight
and said all was right.
I remember I would wake right up,
(just before the end),
a final glance at the castle door,
and the treasure deep within.


But who am I to kid myself,
Life's no fairie tale,
the prince will never find me,
he'll just look somewhere else.
I'm nobody's queen
and I'll never try to be,
the only thing I have in life is simply me.

But now that I think about it,
your arms felt just like his.
So soft and strong,
just where I knew they always belonged.
Then suddenly a knock
fell upon the door.
I couldn't get there fast enough,
time seemed to slur.
Then just like Cinderella's prince,
there you were in front of me.
Outside in the rain,
drenched from head to toe,
it became official for me,
how could I not have known.
I had you all,
heart and soul,
heat depth and passion.
No fights could come between us,
no queen could still our love.
A kiss you placed so carefully
upon my smiling lips,
I couldn't help but grab you back,
releasing the passion held within.

Sometimes I guess you should believe,
never be too quick to judge.
Love can come from anything and even anyone.
Even though I'm no Beauty,
and he wears no crown,
a fairie tale is what we have,
and love is what we found.

Let's talk about Maturity!

Hahahahaha

So plan and simple you just made my day.

You have inadvertently proved everything I have said about you in these past few days and I think that is utterly hilarious. No I wasn't trash talking you I was simply observing that you are in no way the person you led me to believe you were.

Man I love it.

Simply because I love being right. Don't try to fill my head with your nonsense about wanting to be friends, missing me around and all the other crap. You dug your grave so lay in it. You cheated so deal with it. Honestly people should find out. You asked me not to tell and by that asked me to give you a decency you don't deserve.

Honestly more than anything I hope you learn to grow up from this. Pressing delete online and giving me shit at work isn't going to make me go away. You're going to have to see me and realize that your morals truly meant nothing and you're no better than the rest of us. It's time to look in the mirror hun. Look at the way you treat the world and know that even though I put up with it and other people put up with it for a short time, that time is coming to an end. People don't like jerks and know-it-alls and that my dear is exactly what you put yourself out there to be.

Enjoy your day!

XoXo
Ciara 

Silly Rabbit

Universal truths that all men should--but don't--understand

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

2. Real men drive stick shift.

3. I will leave if you lie.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

 8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have a text from you.

11. I expect you to call me.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. New shoes also do the trick.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...needing some time to be ready. d. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.

18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.

19. I own a John Denver CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to anything, say nothing.

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

23. You should never demand I do something.

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

30. I want to be Madonna.

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.

32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.

37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start pouting....

38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

41. I love it when you're sweaty.

42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

44. I like porn.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...

48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.

50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.

Ciara is Lost

Its that feeling where you feel so helpless in terms of everything in the world around you. Like no matter what changes, you know you didn't cause it and you're not to thank.

It isn't a feeling I enjoy. I hate it. There is nothing in the world I can do about it.

Utilitarianism states that the goal of the life and the world is to lead a life with more pleasure than pain. Yet to feel and understand what that pleasure is, you have to have known pain. And here's the kicker... The more pleasure you know, the worse your pains become. It gets to a point where you're climbing a mountain. You're building up these anticipated highs and climbing more and more, unwilling to stop the steep voyage you're on... You hit the peak. It's beautiful. Breath-taking. Then you start to trip. Something you let in, let crawl under your flesh and rot, forgotten and under estimated, has finally started to surface... And then you're rolling down that mountain, seemingly hitting every bush, twig and rock on the way down. But for some reason the fall takes longer than the climb. Allow me to crudely demonstrate

       /\
     /   \
    /     \
   /       \
  /         \
 /           \     
               \                                        
                \                                      
                 \_____________________

Well I am now on the downward part of this cycle... My highs have been so fantastic, nd I just realized what my festering wound has been....

I'm helpless. To myself and those I love... I can't help Tim feel better about not being at his grandma's side when she passed this morning, let alone about her passing. I can't make my boyfriend feel better like his friends do... I can't make my mom stop drinking, I can't make my ex not hate me. I can't make my best friend break up with her crap excuse for a boyfriend, I can't help another friend fight through her relationship... I can't help anyone....

Not even those I want to help more than anything....
So why keep trying to help?

Bye,

Ciara

Full Blooded pt2

                Thirty minutes later Hunter Blackwell finally dismissed the class. Watching them all file out, Rona sat in a mental battle. Should I try and sneak out with the crowd, or should I see what it is he wants? The question floated back and forth across her mind, until she realized what her next class was. College Algebra. Nothing innately enjoyable about that. Unless you happened to sit behind the guy that drove you wild, and guess what, she did. Well that made the decision remarkably easy.

                With a quick glance at the clock perched so methodically above the blackboard Rona was struck with the realization that she was gonna be late. But speed was not her desire to exit the class. It was stealth. How to get out without the TA noticing her lack of commitment to their little after class chat? And then all hope was shattered.

                “Rona, can I ask why it is your trying to leave when we have a need for discussion?” Mr. Blackwell’s smirk was nothing short of wolfish. Oh, god , he’s really going to make me stay, Rona thought in disgust. He sat down and looked her up down, unabashed, like there was nothing wrong with an obvious sexist approach to his student. Now he’s taking notes, Rona fumed as she watched him jot down quickly something on a scratch of paper on his desk, doesn’t he see he’s wasting my time?! Handing her the paper folded in half, he made it clear, “You are not to read this until you return to your dorm.” She rolled her eyes. It probably wouldn’t make it out of the lecture hall.

                “Now let me see what you were writing,” he all but demanded. She shook her head. She had promised herself she wouldn’t show anyone else her writings. The last time had been with her now ex-boyfriend. When she broke up with him he became infuriated and did the one thing that would truly hurt her. He spread throughout the campus who she was. She stopped writing, stopped publishing her works and hid from the literary world. After sometime her publisher convinced her that she could start again. All she had to do was hide that part of her identity and start fresh, create a new fan base and work from the bottom up. She missed the feeling of keys beneath her fingers and pouring her desires and frustrations into a computer, like a waterfall spilling from one source into a pool. With that decision made Ginger Heller was no more, much to the disappointment of her many loyal fans and Risika Jones was brought forth into the world.

                “Ms. Marks as horrible as it would be for me to say, I can tell you that if I report you to the course professor for your actions in class and your refusal to listen now, harsh punishment could be taken. If not a failing grade, it is possible he will drop you from the class.”  If it wasn’t obvious before the smirk was now one of the most prominent things about Hunter Blackwell right now. “You can make this easy or hard. The choice is entirely up to you.”

                Suddenly flushed Rona stared at the floor. I can’t have a that on my records and it’s too late to sign up for another course… Why is he making my life so difficult? She came to terms with her lack of a choice in the matter. Her parents would have her head if she got any farther behind in her classes, let alone if it was due to the temper she could rarely control. Of course, if you already lost control of it, why try and rein it in? She all but threw the notebook at him. “Happy now?”

                His smile only served to fuel her fire. “Is there anything else you would like to know? My life’s story? My hopes for the future? What color underwear I’m wearing? Any other personal boundaries you would like to cross?” She knew it was time to shut up but she couldn’t bring herself to. Once she crossed the line it was impossible to stop until it was finished. What was that thing her mom used to tell her? You can’t put tooth paste back in the tube after you push it out. Just like her words. Once she said them she couldn’t take it back. But without missing a beat the TA continued to push all the wrong buttons.

                “Well, if you would like to indulge me in such things I would be glad to listen.”

                Rona took a step back. What was with this guy? She had never met anyone so blunt in her life, and it was starting to make her head spin.

                “Well…,” she wasn’t even sure of a comeback anymore. She didn’t know if her seriously wanted to know more about her or if he was just trying to upset her.

                “Tell me about yourself. It’s just the two of us. No need to be embarrassed, though I won’t ask you what color underwear you’re wearing. When’s your birthday, what do you like to do, what you would like to do in the future.”

                “Well, I’m a Cancer, my birthday is July 17^th, I like pop, hip-hop, rock and rap, I have a Doberman named Harley. All my life I’ve wanted to be an author, I have no religion and I always say what I think, which is why I will say you are a very attractive jerk,” she said quickly, placing her hand over her mouth.

                Smiling broadly, he read over the brief passage she had managed to scribble during his lecture on metaphors.

                “This is nice, very nice. You remind me of a writer whom I loved deeply, though no one really knew much about her. She doesn’t write anymore, but she was great. She wrote under a pen name, Ginger Heller. She was kinda my guilty pleasure, so not many people know I liked her writing. I mean how many people would take a guy who read romance novels seriously?” Rona couldn’t help but gasp in the back of her mind. The cart wheels were starting. She was supposed to avoid those… Since she was little whenever her mind became overwhelmed she got lost in a train of thought so deep she tended to faint. He liked Ginger… I wonder if he’s read anything by Risika? Wow… I would never have thought… But how does he not know about me? If he has been here long enough… everyone at this campus knows. His eyes are pretty… And then the dizzy spell hit.

                “Rona! Rona, are you ok? Can you hear me?” Nodding, Rona shook off the last remainder of her slight blackout. Glancing up from the floor, she found her new TA trying to catch her eye. “Are you sure you’re all right? I can walk you to your dorm if you want.” Rona shook her head. She thought she was ok, nothing really seemed wrong with her that she could immediately find. Maybe she was just so deep in thought she blacked out, like when she was little. Yeah, that was it, just another case of thinking too much. She started to walk towards the door, without so much as a goodbye, just eager to escape the trapped feeling she was developing. Suddenly the spins came back.

                “Maybe you should walk me home… just in case.” He nodded and walked around the desk to her, cupping her elbow and steering her toward the door. Instantly Rona fell into his arms, her energy drained.

                “Whoa, I got you,” he said as he encircled his arm around her waist.

                “Tha...Than… Thank you…” she mumbled right before she blacked out.